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Published July 19, 2012 More Info »
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Published July 19, 2012

 

While preparations for the impeding military action against the Islamic Republic of Iran reach a fever pitch, spokespersons for what was formerly known as the Department of Defense (DOD) of the United States of America have traveled to nations across the globe to spread news of their employer's nominal re-branding. Now called the Department of Wars of Aggression, the government agency formerly known as the DOD decided to change its name to reflect America's new role in the world, that being no longer a nation that defends its own borders or those of its friends but one that frequently violates its own laws and the laws of various international charters by initiating military action against sovereign foreign nations.

 

“Ever since its police action in Viet-Nam, the American military has been continuously involved in hot conflicts in places such as Nicaragua, Iraq, and Afghanistan,” said Geraldine Fuchs-Kleimman, a former Navy pilot in her early 30s who spoke to us from Nigeria via satellite-phone. “Since our illegal invasion of Iraq in 2002 and the subsequent illegal invasion of Afghanistan not long thereafter, my fellow peons and I have been hearing rumors that this name-change would occur; we're just happy that the Secretary of (previously Defense and now) Aggression (SecAgg) finally got his shit together and filled out all that paperwork?.” A nation once hailed as the savior of mankind for defeating the Nazi plaque threatening to grind all of Europe under its murderous jack-boot, America has plummeted recently in the estimation of her fellow nation-states. Having succumbed to the demands of a massive military-industrial complex and allowed nearly her entire society to be controlled by the narrow-minded policies of avaricious, for-profit corporations, however, once-fair Columbia has so drastically changed her tune that she barely resembles the nation she was just a few, short decades ago.

 

“I remember when we Americans minded our own business and let other peoples figure things out for themselves, enticing them perhaps with our goods and trying to get a toe-hold in their markets, but not actually killing them and stealing their oil,” said 75-year-old farmer Henry James Wainschott Jr., proud tiller of soil, from atop a museum-worthy John Deere tractor. “I was reading somewhere that nearly $400 billion dollars of the current military budget is used to pay private military contractors. These contractors are the self-same motherfuckers charging two hundred dollars for a single sheet of dry-wall and lobbying like lunatics to keep the wars going, bankrupting the American Dream for nine-tenths of Americans with their abject, damnable greed.”

 

“Truth is, we're running out of foreign nation-states upon whom to wage these wars of aggression,” said 47-year-old Maryland resident and senior analyst Vishay Utilanad, who works indirectly for the Secretary of Aggression. “Once we give Iran a good drubbing, North Korea will be the last thing standing in the way of us dealing death, destruction, woe, and torment against the American population itself, and, believe me, we've had a lot of practice subjugating unruly populations in the last decade. So dust off your slave-shoes, folks, pucker up those suck-holes, and prepare to have all of your remaining constitutional protections revoked, because, like fucking idiots, you gave up the last of your rights a long, long time ago.”

 

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