I’ve never done a Yelp review before so I hope I’m doing it right. I just can’t in good conscious let Sunshine Smile Real Estate get away with such BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Here’s the thing — when I first walked in, I was actually really impressed! Lots of nice pictures of houses and they had candy at the front desk. (Not like Reeses or anything but more like those fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls. Regardless, I thought it was a nice touch cause house hunting makes people hungry.) I sat down with “Greg” and told him I was looking for a 7 bedroom, 6 bath colonial and I had $50,000 to spend. (My Grandpa just died. Cha-ching!!)

Right off the bat he told me that $50,000 was “unreasonable.” I pointed to one on the wall and said, “Well, what about that one?” / “That one’s $12 million.” This was my first indication that Sunshine Smile Real Estate was not on the up and up. “I’m hearing a lot of problems but not a lot of solutions, Greg.” I told him. “Also, to be honest, you could have better candy at the front desk. OK, what about THIS one?” I asked. “That’s the same one you just pointed to,” he told me. VERY FRUSTRATING! I just stared at him silently until he begrudgingly starting flipping through his book of properties. “WAIT!” I yelled when he flipped to the most beautiful home I’d ever seen in my life.

“Well,” Greg started “there is The Carver House…” As soon as he said the words “Carver House” a crash of thunder and bolt of lighting cut all the power in the office. “Well if that’s not a good sign, I don’t know what is, Greg! I’ll take it.” HERE’S WHERE I’LL GIVE SUNSHINE SMILE REAL ESTATE THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF CREDIT. Greg told me that most people who buy a house like to go inside the house first. But the thing is, I was seeing The Martian at 4:45 and if I went to see the house, I would have been late. At the very least I would have missed the previews and I love the previews. This is the one thing that I’ll say is “on me.” Rather than actually going inside the house, I just told Greg to wrap it up. (He then told me that don’t gift wrap houses which — again — really bad customer service.)

Here’s where the story gets weird.

As soon as I walked inside, the walls started dripping blood. Some of it even got on my pants. “My last house never did this…” I thought. I should say I was having a really good day up until this point. (I really enjoyed The Martian.) I went to take a shower to kind of “center myself” but, guess what, that shot out blood, too. Sorry, but if I was going to deal with a constantly bleeding home, Sunshine Smile Real Estate should have told me that up front. I called them right up and was like, “Lemme speak to Greg!” and this see-you-next-Tuesday on the other line was like “We don’t have a Greg here. Greg’s been dead for 10 years and blah blah blah” I was like, “UMMMM, again I’m hearing a lot of problems and no solutions. This is becoming a pattern with Sunshine Smile Real Estate.” And then she was all, “Well what did you expect trying to get a 7 bedroom colonial for $50K” and something about the Carvers being brutally murdered in that house a few years back and it’s haunted.

A HAUNTED HOUSE. Who has the time for that?! Not me. I’m studying to be a model! So I was like, “Well if you’re not gonna give me my money back can I at least get a coupon for half off a new house or like free shipping or something” and she was like, “We don’t ship houses” or some basic bullshit. Honestly, I can’t remember cause it was around this time that all the furniture in the kitchen starting coming alive so I just hung up.

I did a Google search for The Carver Family (Does Google have a Yelp page too? Cause THAT is a good service!) and apparently the dad went crazy when his wife cheated on him and he chopped her all up along with the kids and I guess it was this whole “thing.” Huge, huge overreaction in my opinion. It’s like, “Just get a divorce, dude.” Cause in addition to all the murder, now I’m being inconvenienced. My Saturday is fully ruined and I’m a guy who needs his weekends. That’s my time. I work too hard during the week to have to deal with creepy dead twins in the hallway. (Oh, did I not mention the creepy dead twins in the hallway? They keep being like, “Where is our Mother?” in this British accent even though the house is on Bayonne, NJ, and every time they spoke, blood fell out of their mouth. It’s bad enough I have to clean up the blood from the walls, but now these chicks, too?! It’s too much.)

That night I was visited by my dead Grandfather — remember from earlier? The one that left me $50,000? It was actually kinda nice to see him again so I’ll give Sunshine Smile SOME credit for that. But the conversation wasn’t even that good. I thought he was singing me Sting songs but it turns out he was just speaking in tongues. The, finally, he was like “Thomassssss … leave this place … never return…” etc etc. I wanted to talk about The Martian cause I had questions about the science involved but he was too preoccupied with “This place isn’t safe! The Carvers eat souls” blah blah blah. (Full disclosure, I always liked my Grandpa on my Mom’s side better.)

In the morning I woke up fully nude, massively erect, and levitating above my bed. One of those Satan symbols has been carved into my chest and already scabbed over. “Oh well this is just fucking perfect,” I thought. I was gonna go to the beach today!! Now I have to be one of those weirdos who keeps his shirt on in the water! Not to mention it took me like a solid three hours to figure out how to get down. After I finished my blood shower (freezing cold) I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror — maggots ALL OVER MY FACE. “Um, not shaving today I guess…”

I walked downstairs for seven hours before realizing the stairs never ended and lead to nowhere. Like that weird level in Mario Brothers. That’s when I was like “Fuck this” and jumped through my bedroom window (the only available exit) and headed to Starbucks to write up this review. (Oh, did I not mention there was no wi-fi in house?! There wasn’t.)

1 Star.