Hello loyal readers. In our efforts to provide you with only the finest in Internet Content, we recently wrote up a humorous and delightful piece entitled “How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub.”

The piece was a supposed to be a step by step and illustrated guide about how to mutilate your own cat (or a stray that you catch with drugs) into looking as adorable as internet celebrity cat Lil’ Bub. You know, this little cutie:

lilbub.jpg

The piece was supposed to be illustrated by an outside freelancer in time for the annual Cat Video Festival in St. Paul on August 12th. To our surprise, however, the artists we reached out to kept rejecting our illustration requests for various reasons.

Take a look at a few:


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: ████ █████████
Date: Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Subject: Illustration Project - How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub
To: ███████ ███████

Hi ███████,

Thanks for reaching out, unfortunately, I won’t be looking into this project any further.

If you have any other projects that might not be about hurting animals or children or the less fortunates, by all means, hit me up and we can chat.

Cheers

████


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: ███████ ████
Date: Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Subject: Illustration Project - How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub
To: ███████ ███████

Thank you for your inquiry I, unfortunately, take issue with several of the illustrations you ask for. The first one may be possible:

[Illustration: A passed out stray cat next to some cat food with clearly tranquilizer pills in it. Cat is drooling and it’s eyes are a little open and rolled back.]

But after that I, unfortunately, draw a line when it comes to doing illustrations such as

[Illustration: A cat being strapped into four leather straps, it should be unhappy looking.]

and

[Illustration: Someone smacking the jaw of the cat with a hammer super hard such that it breaks the jaw and looks like lil’ bub.]

While I understand that humor is subjective, these are just not images I would like to depict even if I did find them humorous at all. Thank you and I look forward to working with you on another project in the future.

Best

███████ ████


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: ███████ ███████████
Date: Thursday, August 13, 2015
Subject: Illustration Project - How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub
To: ███████ ███████

Hi ███████,

I appreciate you reaching out to me but honestly what the fuck is this? Not only are the illustrations you want me to draw vile but the descriptions do not add sufficient context. This, really?

“Step Four: Twist Off The Broken Part Of The Jaw and Cauterize The Wound

You may want to traquliize the cat again if the jaw breaking didn’t knock it out already. To totally get the viral-ready effect of Lil’ Bub you’re going to want to make sure the lower jaw heals back short and stubby just like Lil’ Bub. Cat’s jaws are light and flimsy once broken so the piece you broke should be easily ripped off. Then just heat up a piece of old metal on the stove and cauterize the wound so your Lil’ Bub to be doesn’t bleed out. Then it’s just a matter of giving the tongue a few hard yanks and it should be stuck in the adorbz “hanging out” position all the time.

[Illustration: A hand tearing off the jaw and with the other hand searing the wound shut with a red hot sharp and angled and rusty metal shard]

This is sick. And unnecessary. I understand the joke you are going for here, I think, but this is such a graphic description. Not to mention the rate and turn around time for this is already not what I would take. I’d love to work with Funny or Die but not if it involves putting my name on projects like this. Sorry.

-███████ ███████████


By this point the article was well past our deadline of trying to get it out before the cat video festival. Believing that we still had a solid piece of content on our hands, however, we pressed on with more freelancers. It seems our luck just got worse.


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: ████████ ████
Date: Thursday, August 13, 2015
Subject: Illustration Project - How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub
To: ███████ ███████

No. Hell no. What the fuck is this.

“Step Seven: Add Toes

Ok, time for the finishing touch! Lil’ Bub has an extra toe on each one of her paws. I know, it just makes you wanna melt. It’s a bit tricky to get new toes but if you maybe messed up on an earlier step with a different cat you can make lemonade out of those lemons by snipping some toes off those Lil’ Bub fails and giving them to Lil’ Bub Attempt 2 (or 3 or 4 lol). If you’ve got dope skillz and managed to keep the same cat going all the way through then you can try catching another free cat, killing it and taking its toes OR your can be eco-friendly and make a fake toe! We’ve done this before by taking an uncooked corn kernel, supergluing it to the end of a metal nail, buzzing off a little fur from your cat, gluing that fur to the nail and then hammering the nail into the side of the paws. You gotta look pretty close to tell the difference.

[Illustration: Hammering that toe-nail into the cat’s paw.]”

Do you have an editor there? This is Will Farrell’s company right? Does he approve of things like this? Even if ONE person followed this guide I feel that would be sufficient to condemn your whole company to hell. I hate turning down new business but this isn’t worth it to me on any budget.

Peace,

████████ ████


By now, we had exhausted our contacts and began asking the people we had already gone out to for recommendations of artists that may want to do the work. Here are a few of those responses.


No, I’m sorry but I don’t associate with anyone that would want this kind of work.

—–

No. Hell no, honestly, I would be too embarrassed to send this along to anyone.

—–

No, this is my reputation and I wouldn’t pass this on to my worst enemy.

—–

Fuck you you sick fucks you should be institutionalized.


Unfortunately, without the illustrations we would not be able to release this piece… But then something unexpected happened: Someone reached out to us. Despite everyone’s reluctance to refer this work out, we got a strange email from an illustrator named “Ricky Stink.” Behold.


———- Forwarded message ———-
From: ricky stink
Date: Thursday, August 13, 2015
Subject: Illustration Project - How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub
To: ███████ ███████

Sup. I’m Ricky Stink. I’m a big drawer and I heard you dipshits gotta projec I miht take a liking to. something about fucking up cats. i’m in. reduced rate whatever. I saw this part of it

[Illustration: The strong hands of a man crushing the skull of the cat so it’s eyes look bigger than normal relative to the size of it’s head like lil’ bubs’.]

And I was like, hell yeah I already have like 100 drawings of that peep this.

poorcat2.jpg

Editor’s Note: This illustration was deemed even too graphic for us (just below this frame the man is drawn to be visibly aroused).

I also did a quick sketch for your last one too

“Step 8: Snap A Pic Of Your New Viral Hit

Your new Lil’ Bub just went through a lot so he will want to sleep it off but not before taking the first photo for your new, soon to be celeb kitty’s Intagram account! #MYLilBub!

[Illustration: Someone taking an Instagram photo of this battered and bleeding unconscious cat.]”

PEEP THIS RAD SHIT

main.jpg

Artist Ricky Stink’s Illustration Of The Final Step In Our “How To Make Your Own Lil’ Bub” Process

We decided that we were not sure about forging a relationship with Ricky Stink. Particularly after he sent us an unsolicited and disturbing follow up email that asked for our mailing address so he could “send Will Farrell some dope jizz.”

So that’s that. The story of a lil’ article that no one wanted. In a way this whole piece is it’s own Lil’ Bub isn’t it? Don’t think about that too much, just agree to it, thanks. Bye.

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