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September 28, 2016
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It had it all, one-line zingers, drama, a cringe-worthy antagonist, oh, and it didn’t pass the Bechdel test.

If the First Presidential Debate Was a Movie

With more anticipation than a new Taco Bell menu item, the premiere was finally here. The first presidential debate felt more like a red carpet event than a political showcase with very real implications for our future. The screenshots flowed across Snapchat stories

It had it all, one-line zingers, drama, a cringe-worthy antagonist, oh, and it didn’t pass the Bechdel test.

My guess is wherever you watched the first presidential debate even felt like a movie theater. People probably kept talking. You had that one friend who asked questions about the plot. You most likely had to go to the bathroom, but didn’t want to miss a second of the narrative. At one point there was a weird subplot about cybersecurity and you were like wtf is going on please stop. Maybe it was even like one of those fancy theaters and you got hammered.

There were obvious plot holes, like that one time Trump lied about his feelings towards Global Warming. There were times where you frustratingly found yourself yelling at the screen, “Don’t fall for it, Hillary! Get out of the house! He’s behind you!” There was even the surprising supporting sidekick in Lester Holt, who surprised many viewers. Breaking box office records, the debate was 90 minutes of action-packed history.

Now, as the media dust storm settles, we’ve seen the commentary roll in, but how do people really feel? Who won? If the first debate read more like a Hollywood blockbuster, then there’s nothing more honest than the movie reviews that come thereafter.

Here are what some honest Rotten Tomatoes reviews would like for the first blockbuster debate.

What is there to say? It was great. I mean, absolutely fantastic. Didn’t care for the lady much. Seemed too prepared, robotic-like. I hated I, Robot. Not a good movie. Which by the way, I like Will Smith, great guy, he likes me, in fact the African American community loves me.
Rating: 13/10

— Donald Trump

I’m awesome. Also, I’m with her. Also also, I’m so over this shit.
Rating: 8/10

— Barack Obama

Remember that time I messed up Trump’s hair on my show? Hilarious. God that guy is funny.
Rating: I’m so nice/10

— Jimmy Fallon

Hillary is a liar. Racial discrimination is okay. I like Trump because he’s tough. White privilege what’s that?
Rating: 1/10

— That high school friend from Facebook you haven’t talked to in years

TRUMP NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP. THE FACT THAT HILLARY EVEN HAS TO STAND ON THE SAME STAGE AS THAT MONSTER IS INSULTING. JKSDFJKSDFSDFLKSDLFFD ← SORRY JUST BANGING MY HEAD ON THE KEYBOARD BECAUSE UGH.
Rating: SCREW TRUMP/10

— Elizabeth Warren

I’ve never (always) supported Trump. Cruz 2020!
Rating: 1000000/10 (go trump!)

— Ted Cruz

Believe it or not I’m actually very liberal, guys.
Rating: 7.5/10

— Voldemort

That Hillary Clinton, now that’s someone I can support. Speaking of support, do you need me to send you anything? Maybe some snacks? You look skinny. Call grandma sometime!
Rating: 0/10

— My Jewish Mother

All the single ladies, now put your hands up. If you’re voting for Hillary.
Rating: 8/10

— Beyonce

Fucking damnit.
Rating: -3/10

— Bernie Sanders

I’m basically president let’s be honest.
Rating: w/e

— Kanye West

[crying]
Rating: Don’t know how to use a computer

— Abraham Lincoln’s Ghost
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