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June 12, 2011

Why are Americans fat? Blame the Moon!

I have come up with a new theory on the obesity problem and
the answer is ... get ready for more fatties!
It is a scientific fact that the moon is is slowly trying to break away
from Earth's gravity. Much like that kid in the Mall who is holding onto his
mother's hand but sees a gumball machine full of Sponge Bob stickers.
At some point the kid will break free. And cm after cm, the Moon will
also break free (and probably crash into Jupiter because everything
crashes into Jupiter since it only opted for liability and not the
comprehensive policy).
Now the Moon controls so much on the Earth. The winds, the tides, the
midriff bulge, lunatics and werewolves. But most importantly for the
sake of this argument, it also controls the speed of rotation for the Earth.
As the Moon pulls away, the Earth slows down. As the Earth slows down,
less gravity to hold us down (not that we are
going to be lifted off the face of the planet anytime soon like Wily E.
Coyote stepping off a cliff and dangling in midair). But when there is a
mini-microscopic-teeny weenie change in the planet's force of gravity,
the body reacts in trying to counter the lightness by actively seeking
ways to become heavier and weigh itself down.
Your body craves McDonald's fries because it does not want to be up
floating around the Ionosphere like Icarus anytime soon!
How does one fool the body's innate desire to pack it on for preservation?
Heavy shoes and sweat pants. Leg weights. Walk faster. Exercise faster.
The body will be convinced that the Earth is speeding up as your
metabolism rate rises.
It's not those Hostess Ding Dongs. The Asiago crackers. The Snickers.
It's that Old crazy moon.

Moon is now nicknamed "Tug" by Jenny Craig!