Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 24, 2008


* NEW YORK — Clay Aiken told People Magazine he is gay.

Oh, that is not exactly news, sorry. Did he really think we didn't know?

* WATERBURY — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) sent a letter to Ben & Jerry's urging them to replace cow's milk in their ice cream with human breast milk. PETA officials say a switch to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms.

Sources close to men everywhere say, "Unless that breast milk is on tap, I don't want anything to do with it."

Sources close to the little pervert who lives inside of my head say, "I wonder if they'll have to transpose the name of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby to My Hubby has a Chubby."

People for the Evil Treatment of Activists (the other white PETA) say, "Then we'd have women with boobs hanging down like some National Geographic shit. Victoria's Secret would have to start carrying 36 to 55 Double Long bras. They'd be like upside down titty hammocks. What about the suffering of humans, PETA? And seriously, what a treat to have ice cream made from human milk. I could tell my friends, 'Come to my house everyone we're going to have Wet Nurse Surprise!' See, that doesn't even sound good. Screw you PETA!"

* SYDNEY — Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote fertility and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy. She claims to be one of seven women who became pregnant after swimming in the water during production of the film Australia.

Sources close to the guy who jacked-off in those same waters say, "Haha!"

* NEW YORK — David Blaine claimed he would create history and break a world record by dangling upside down from a wire for 60 hours. After seeing him take a break, many are calling him a cheater.

Sorry to steal your thunder there Mr. Magical Upside Down Cake, but when Mork & Mindy were on TV, I watched upside down from my plastic-covered, floral print, green velour sofa for hours without a break. Beat that bitch!