A Florida woman is in a legal fight to keep a motorcycle-riding alligator as her house pet. She explains why.
Dear The State of Florida,
You have recently been trying to kick out my six-foot pet alligator Rambo from my home. Please leave me and my alligator alone.
I’ll admit it. Rambo the Alligator is my boyfriend. We have been together for 11 years. I mean, it is Florida after all, so what do you want from me?
Just look at him. You’re telling me you wouldn’t fall in love with that alligator? He’s tough and has nice teeth. He’s six feet tall and pure muscle. He dresses like a cool biker and rides around on a motorcycle. And his name is Rambo — doesn’t get much cooler than that. What else could you possibly want in a boyfriend?
Everyone is always like, “But Mary, aren’t you scared of your alligator boyfriend? Aren’t you worried that your alligator boyfriend will eat you?” Yes, he could eat me at any moment, but he hasn’t so far, so there’s that. And sure, he gets a little snappy and violent from time to time, but so did my last boyfriend — who was a crazy fucking pit bull named Spike — and also the one before that — who was a human. That guy was named Bob, and he took the goddamn bus to work each day. He was definitely not as cool as Rambo.
And everyone asks, “But Mary, aren’t you sick of supporting your alligator boyfriend and feeding him turtles and the neighbors’ dogs all the time?” Sure, the neighbors hate me, but that’s what Rambo wants for dinner. If your boyfriend loved lasagna, would you stop cooking it for him just because the neighbors don’t want you to? Plus, my alligator boyfriend can’t support himself because he doesn’t have a lame job because he don’t give a fuuuuuuck. He’s too cool for a job, as evidenced by his leather jacket.
And then other people say, “Hey Mary, if you like alligators so much, then why don’t you also date a crocodile?” To which I say: I do not like pointy jawlines.
I keep telling everyone Rambo lives in a bedroom in my house. And he does live in a bedroom in my house — my bedroom. We lay side by side every night, sleeping, cuddling, and making love. I’m sure you’re wondering, “What’s the sex like?” In a word: FANTASTICABULOUSDERFULTHEBEST. Rambo uses a little too much teeth when we kiss, but that’s fine by me. I had always wanted a lip piercing anyhow. His penis, like any alligator penis, is strangely white like a ghost’s penis. But here’s the best part: Alligator penises are permanently erect. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Soon, you’ll be ditching your only-erect-with-Viagra, flesh-toned human boyfriend for an alligator too.
Please don’t take away the love of my life. Also, please don’t call Rambo a “gator” because he doesn’t like his name to be shortened.
Alligator Lover, Literally