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August 12, 2011

A list of things I have learned by watching Matlock

Here is a list of things I have learned by watching Matlock:

Never take evidence after committing a crime
.  If you find yourself in a situation where you have just done something that might get you locked up for the rest of your life, leave immediately and Do Not Take Anything With You!  Especially if it is a 1984 Rodeo Champion Belt Buckle worn by a corpse.  You can bet that Matlock will find it in your sock drawer and link it to you<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

If you are a crime boss, avoid having forklifts in any of your storage facilities.  I have seen on more than one occasion a hoodlum being picked up by a forklift and held in a compromising position after being cornered by Matlock and/or his Investigative Team.  If you must store contraband, try to do it at least 3 miles off-shore, or in a HUD-approved facility.

Never poison someone with a band-aid.  It might seem like a good idea at the time, but I can assure you that it isn’t.   During the autopsy they will put that band-aid in a baggie.  Then you can count on Matlock being in the hospital during the investigation, and he will most likely have a crotchety nurse who insists on giving him a band-aid that has medication on it.  Matlock will no doubt put two and two together and you will be calling for Poison Control from a downtown cell. 

If you are the only son of a crime boss, do not visit the house where you grew up!  There are forces awaiting you that you want to avoid, like your Dad’s number two hoodlum.  He will most likely try to kill you one of three ways:  Shooting, stabbing, or being thrown out of a window (above the fifth floor).


Do not go into ethnic restaurants of any type.  Nothing good ever comes from them.  You will most likely be killed, or at least get indigestion.   Also avoid racetracks and bowling alleys.  


Never, ever, look into a dumpster.  Do I really need to explain why?