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March 01, 2013

A comedic script summarizing the Oscar Pistorius case.

The (Somewhat) Fictional Story of Oscar Pistorius

Scene: A Sports Center episode is about to begin. Anchors Stuart Scott and Hannah Storm are on the set. A picture of Olympic runner and current homicide suspect Oscar Pistorius is in the background.

Scott: Hello and welcome to Sports Center. I’m Stuart Scott and this is my co-anchor Hannah Storm. Today, we will be exclusively covering the Oscar Pistorius case.

Storm: As many of you know, Pistorius is on trial for murder for the Valentine’s Day shooting of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Apparently, a romantic dinner was not what Pistorius had in mind when he said he was taking her out.

Scott: Nicely put Hannah. Right now, things are looking fairly grim for the Blade Gunner…errrr Runner, and based on this audio recording it seems Pistorius would agree.

An audio recording is played.

Pistorius: Barry, there’s so much evidence against me. How are you going to get me out of this?

Barry Roux (Defense Attorney): I don’t know Oscar. I’m stumped. End recording.

Storm: Moments later Prosecutor Gerri Nel exclaimed his confidence to the court, hoping to convince the judge and jury of Pistorious’ guilt.

Video of the court room begins to play.

Nel: Ladies and gentlemen, the evidence against Mr. Pistorius is conclusive. The defense’s case doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Everyone in the room proceeds to laugh and high five. End video.

Scott: New information would now suggest that there was an argument between Pistorius and Steenkamp. It would appear Pistorius just wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.

Storm: And now, for reasons unbeknownst to me, or anyone else at ESPN, Skip Bayless will provide us with some analysis of the trial.

Enter Skip Bayless.

Bayless: You know what I think about poor old Oscar? I think he’s innocent.

Scott: Of course you do Skip.

Bayless: No, really I do. You heard it here first. You see guys, history repeats itself. So based on that, I believe Pistorius is innocent. But I also believe that he will go to prison. He’ll spend 25 years falsely imprisoned and then…BAM!!! He is the president of South Africa. That’s how things work there. Scott, Storm and everyone watching at home role their eyes.

Storm: Skip, you’re an idiot.

Scott: How the hell do you even have a job here?

Bayless: I ask myself the same thing every day.

Storm: Anyway, we also have Stephen A. Smith here to offer his point of view on the Pistorius trial. Stephen, what do you think?

Smith: My dear, dear friends, how are you doing today? His voice continuously changes volume as he speaks. Now look here, Oscar Pistorius is a dear, dear friend of mine, AND THERE IS NO WAY HE COULDA GONE AND SHOT HIS GIRL (screaming)!!!!! There is no way (whisper). Why, the two of us enjoyed a nice picnic on the beach just the other day, and I must say, there was quite a spring in his step if you know what I mean.

Scott: So what do you think is going on here?

Smith: Well, it’s very simple Stu. My brotha Oscar is being RACIALLY PROFILED (voice cracks). They think just because he’s a black man he must have been the shooter. Clearly….

Storm (interrupting): Stephen, you do know that Oscar Pistorius is Caucasian don’t you?

Smith: What you talkin’ about Hannah? He’s from Africa. How you gonna tell me a man from Africa is not a brotha?

Scott: Are you serious right now?

Storm: Hold on a second guys. I’m being told now that bail for Pistorius has been set at $113,000. It is unclear as to whether or not he will be able to foot the bill.

Scott: Well our time here is just about up. In closing, Nike has announced that in the wake of scandals surrounding Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, and now Pistorius, they will be switching their slogan to “Just Don’t Do It”.

Storm: That’s it for us here at sports center. Good Night. End episode. Goes to Commercial break.