DEAR ABBY: I am a man. I live alone and own a cat, named Trombones. I love Trombones, but she keeps taking swipes at my dick. What do I do?
-SWIPED AT IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SWIPED: I would like to help you, but I’m afraid I need a bit more information. Are you always naked? Are the swipes done in a loving manner? Are they playful pats, to put it in another way?
DEAR ABBY: Totally fair that you need more info - my last letter was so short because I wrote it on my lunch break at the dam. I am always naked. At least while I’m home. She does not swipe at my dick in a loving manner. It feels like she thinks my dick is a baby bird she wants to eat. I want to continue being naked but I do not want her to keep swiping at my dick. They are not playful pats. She has claws and it gets my dick all scratched up. That ruins a bunch of the dates I go on.
-SWIPED AT IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SWIPED: I’m starting to get a clearer picture. But I still have a few more questions. How big is your cat that it can take swipes at your penis? For instance, does the cat jump up and take swipes at your penis, or does it attack your penis from a sitting position on a desk or something?
DEAR ABBY: All good questions that I’m happy to answer. The cat is normal-sized, and it doesn’t need to jump up to swipe my dick. It gets on its hind legs and swipes at it from the ground. I ask the cat not to, but it nails me every time I’m typing at my standing desk.
DEAR SWIPED: Does this mean that you have an especially long penis?
DEAR ABBY: It is long, yes, and the head of my dick is real swelled up and fatter than the rest of my penis - it’s like a pink rubber ball dangling on a rope between my legs.
DEAR SWIPED: Ok, I think we’re getting somewhere. It’s sounding like your penis is uniquely-shaped. Are there any other attributes to your penis that may make it more attractive to cats?
DEAR ABBY: I guess I never thought about that before - yes, now that you mention it. On top of its ball shape, the tip of my dick also has a few tiny hairs on it that happen to look exactly like feathers.
SWIPED - Wow, now it’s becoming super clear wh-
ABBY - Sorry to interrupt but I also forgot to mention that the tip of my dick squeaks when I cough.
SWIPED - Do you have a cough?
ABBY - Yeah a bad one. Had it for a month or so.
SWIPED - Does the cat swipe at your peni-
ABBY - please just call it a dick.
SWIPED - fine, does the cat swipe at your dick when you sneeze?
A - yeah every time what’s your poinOHHHHHHHHH.
S - That’s right - it seems like your dick is pretty much just a cat toy.
A - yeah I see it now thx.
S - you going to get it checked out?
A - nah I’m just gonna trade my cat for a dog.
S - I guess that’s ok, as long as your testicles don’t look like tennis balls.
A - shit, never mind.