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July 10, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry said his state would fight the Affordable Health Care Act. Because health care should only be forced upon young girls.

On Monday, President Obama called for an extension of the Bush tax cuts for Americans only making less than $250,000 a year. Infuriating both Americans who make over $250,000 a year and Americans who think it's just a matter of time before they make over $250,000 a year.

U.N. envoy Kofi Annan said he had a "constructive" talk with Syria's Bashar al-Assad. Assad said he wouldn't stop killing people but he'll listen to their complaints afterward.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have reached a settlement less than 2 weeks after Holmes filed for divorce. Some say it was to keep Scientology out of the spotlight while others say it was definitely to keep Scientology out of the spotlight.

As part of the settlement, Katie Holmes will have sole legal custody over her daughter, Suri. Though Tom Cruise is free to scare her on weekends.

The last 12 months have had the hottest average temperatures ever recorded. Which sounds less impressive when you find out cavemen didn't have thermometers made out of sarcastic birds.

A former Missouri governor was given 2 years probation for hiding a $5,000 contribution. Even worse: he made investigators look for it in his pants.

Lance Armstrong is suing the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency after it charged him with using performance-enhancing drugs. Armstrong said he's so angry with the charges that he could rip someone in half.

In China, inflation is at its slowest pace in two and a half years. Experts say there's never been a better time to buy a ticket out of China.

Beginning in September, women can take part in the Marines' Combat Endurance Test. If they pass, they'll finally win the respect of not men.