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October 11, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

New Zealand will soon begin placing images of characters from "The Hobbit" on its money. And thanks to Peter Jackson, each coin will be split into three unnecessary parts.

Classical recording artist Sarah Brightman is preparing to visit the International Space Station. Or she could just listen to Adele and be instantly transported to the heavens.

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency says Lance Armstrong was part of “the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen.” For example, he injected stuff into his butt.

According to the agency, 11 former Armstrong teammates testified against him. Particularly hurtful for him was that one teammate who used to be so close to him

The government is suing Wells Fargo for civil mortgage fraud. The government is also suing "Fargo" for being a movie you can't stop watching once you start.

President Obama says he was “too polite” during the first presidential debate. "Hey, not to contradict you, but don't be so hard on yourself, buddy," said Debate Obama.

Robert J. Lefkowitz and Brian K. Kobilka have been awarded the Nobel Prize in chemistry for studying how the body sends messages to cells. And don't get them started on how many messages their dumb teenagers' bodies send!

One of the three jailed members of Pussy Riot was released Wednesday. However, she said she'd truly never be free as long as her friends keep making fun of her for learning the bass.

Toyota is recalling over 7 million vehicles due to faulty window switches. Said Toyota, "Hitting the window switch causes head-cutting-off."

The Mars Rover Curiosity appears to have found a shiny object on the planet's surface. The rover refused to pick it up though because it was tails, and that's just bad luck.

Former Rep. Tom DeLay hopes to overturn his 2005 money laundering conviction. After all, Fox News and CNN will only offer him a talk show for so long...

Legendary rock band Led Zeppelin denied any rumors they'd be reuniting. Dismissing the idea as ridiculous as an illiterate scientist trying to make a blimp out of a soft, malleable metal.

Sarah Palin said on Facebook that "haters" sent her daughter Bristol a package of mysterious white powder and are making death threats. Meanwhile, someone let John McCain know his choice of running mate doesn't know what a criminal is. Or: Palin not knowing the phrase is "haters gonna hate," not "haters gonna commit a crime and suggest they're going to commit murder."

A hacker claims to have created an electronic device that looks like a dry erase marker and can unlock 4 million hotel doors. Unfortunately most of them are at La Quintas.

A Georgia-based doctor is advocating prescribing drugs meant to treat ADHD to boost the performance of low-income students. An idea he came up with while prescribing himself drugs meant to treat ADHD.