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November 11, 2010

My friend Doug who has left the south once visited me in New York at the tender age of 38....heres what he thought

For 10 glorious weeks I had an old friend from Dallas stay with me.(Im in Brooklyn)  We'll call him Doug because his real name is Dougless so don't tell. Doug is kind of a good ol boy neurotic comic from Dallas who has never been to New York...who has some incredibly fun interesting ways to view life and the city. (He was very excited to land at "La Gordita" airport) He also doesn't know how to use the Internet, so he probably wont see this...but if he does, he'll think its funny...(probably, because of the $1 Bud Select Tallboys in the bodega across the street from us...he will read it for the first time himself...) Ive scripted out a few real conversations we had when he was here. Feel free to use these for auditions.

INT:My bedroom. 1:30 am May 29 2010

DOUG: Rory. Put soccer on. Lets watch soccer.

RORY: Soccer? Its 1:30am there is no soccer on..

DOUG: Cant you tebow it?


DOUG: Tebow, Tito what ever it is. Can you do it?

RORY: Can I TIVO a soccer game from this afternoon?

DOUG: Yeah.

RORY: You want me to tape a past event...something thats already happened?

DOUG: It cant do that?

RORY: It cant time travel? No...it can not

DOUG: I met the most gorgeous black girl tonight!


DOUG: If I had a million dollars Id make a tiger fight a lion, wouldn't you?

RORY: Not really in my top ten

DOUG: Come on. You wouldn't want to see that? In Roman times that was their football. You and me'd be big fans.

RORY: Why?

DOUG: Cause we love football, we love beers!


1:45 am June, 2am, my bedroom,

(Door flings open)

DOUG: Rory. Sorry sorry. What are you watching? Who won the Boston vs Celtics game?

RORY: Boston vs Celtics? Ummm.the Hawks

DOUG: OH. Can you turn that to play Led Zepplin? (pointing at the TV which is on channel 622 all 80's music)

RORY: It doesn't do it by bands, its by genre.

DOUG: No Zepplin?

RORY: No,its by genre. Pick a type and Ill put it on

DOUG: Billy Joel

RORY: Get out

The Internet

RORY: Doug, the Internets back up and my laptops working again. What did you want to look up?

DOUG: What?

RORY: You said you really needed to check on something before you left.

DOUG: Oh yeah. Can you see how many carbs are in a glass of champagne?

RORY: That's what you want to look up?

DOUG: Oh yeah...I think Atkins lied to me and that's why I didn't lose weight

RORY: Maybe...

DOUG: I buy that $4 champagne from that Asian store every day...they must think Im celebrating every day

RORY: The fact that you re standing here is a good reason to celebrate

DOUG" I'm going to tell them that. Can I use that?


RORY: Ok, Ive set you up with a gmail account. Try it on your phone

DOUG: Ok...ok. What do I?

RORY: xxxxxxxx@gmail.com...(real address protected for the innocent)

DOUG: Whats my password?

RORY: I wrote it down. Here

DOUG: Whats your password?

RORY: Im not going to tell you my password.

DOUG: You know mine

RORY: If you can figure out how to change it on your own then I wont know. Otherwise its gayforbeer

DOUG: Im not gay.

RORY: Is it working on your phone?

DOUG: No. xxxxxxx@gmail.com?

RORY: Yeah

DOUG: Wait, are people going to see I'm gay for beer when I send an email?

RORY: No, they don't send your password

DOUG: Are they free?

RORY: Are...emails free?

DOUG: Yeah I mean I don't pay for each one do I?

RORY: No Doug. Is it working on your phone?

DOUG: No...I'm typing xxxxx@gmail.com See?

RORY: Doug..really? You don't spell out the word at...theres a symbol

DOUG: Ah, I don't want to waste time with the emails. It's ok..I don't need it. Lets have some champagne.

This is just a brief sample of the ten weeks Doug was here. Many more...like the time he replaced the turkey burgers he ate of mine with Swiss cheese and called it even...until then...

Oh yeah,Ive been popping round Texas doing corporate work, so if you happen to see me please give me a water...

Drugs are a bet with your mind.
Jim Morrison

"Id make a tiger fight a lion" -