If you’re a football fan, Monday night marked a truly memorable occasion, as Brett Favre’s unimaginably long streak of consecutive games came to an end at 297. If you’re not a football fan, it was just crappy ol’ Monday, and not only is doing something 297 times in a row totally imaginable, it’s barely remarkable. Somewhere there’s an unimpressed non-fan saying, “Big fucking deal. I worked 297 times in a row. It was called last year. Where’s my press conference?” While I respect that you’re a gamer, it’s really not the same. Imagine working 297 sick days in a row, then you can start to compare. Somewhere an unimpressed AIDS patient is saying, “I worked 297 sick days in a row. It was called last year. Where’s my press conference?” Whatever, Germany just cured your shit. Go back to recklessly sucking mystery cocks. “Too far!” Not far enough. Somewhere some unimpressed skank is saying, “I recklessly sucked 297 mystery cocks in a row. Where’s my press conference?” And to her I say, “RIGHT MU’FUCKIN’ HERE, SKANK! YOU WIN!”
Artist's rendering of Skanky McMysterycock (Associated Press)
Press: Skank, skank. Over here, skank.
Skank: Yes, over there.
P: Thank you. Ben Axelrad from Poop or Chocolate. At what number of cocks did you know you were a giant slut?
S: Cock #0. I always knew. That’s what it means to be a champion. Next question.
P: Skank, skank.
S: You in the front.
P: Ben Axelrad from Poop or Chocolate. Do you spit or swallow?
S: Neither. At the point of ejaculation I blow into the urethra, creating a semen backdraft that redirects the load back to the gonads. Next question.
P: Skank, skank.
S: Yes, you in the purple tunic.
P: Ben Axelrad from Poop or Chocolate. That is both gross and terrifying. Care to comment?
P: Question withdrawn. What do you think of my purple tunic?
S: I don’t like it.
P: Question also withdrawn.
S: You in the back.
P: Benoit LeJuif, Caca ou Chocolat. Quel est le nombre de pénis que vous pouvez adapter à l’intérieur de votre bouche simultanément?
S: Can I get a translation?
P: Ben Axelrad, Poop or Chocolate with a translation. He asked how many cocks you can fit in your mouth at one time?
S: One black, two white, three Jewish, four Chinese. The Chinese number is more about speed than size.
P: Skank, skank. Skank, skank.
S: Alright, that’s all the questions I have time for. Thank you for coming out…
P: Skank, skank. Photo op with members of the Associated Press?
S: Sure, why not. Let’s do something fun. Everyone take out your cocks and try to access my mouth simultaneously.
P: Skank, hi, Ben Axelrad from Poop or Chocolate. Is there a name for what we’re doing right now?
S: Yes, it’s called the Press Conference. Now each of you, one at a time, stick your dick in my mouth; then pull it out; then stick it back in; and pull it out; then at the last possible second cum in my mouth and go 60% limp right after.
P: Skank, Ben Axelrad from Poop or Chocolate. Is this move by any chance referred to as the Brett Favre?
S: Yes it is.
P: No further questions.
Take it on the chin, Brett... I'm sorry, that was advice for the skank.
My name is Ben and I think pretty much every press conference is held by a cocksucker.