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Stats & Data

August 30, 2009


I’m not saying that I’m better than you, but I am saying that I’m skinnier than you. And, let’s face it, in some circles that alone makes me a little bit better than you. Agree or disagree – that’s for you to do – but, as this week’s featured blogger, I figured I’d share a few of my “best” qualities with you alongside some tips for how you can achieve the same “perfection” I’ve spent a lifetime cultivating. Keep in mind that these traits come naturally to me, and you can decide if they’re worth incorporating into your own life. My hope is that this becomes the most egotistical 5-day blog that ever e-lived, but my guess is that it will take a different turn. Time will tell.

I played town league basketball for three years in middle school, scoring a total of two points in those three years. I played soccer sporadically as an elementary school youth, but I did that mostly for the Gatorade gum (which was so good for the first few chomps until all the flavor vanished). I also played little league until I was old enough to say that I didn’t want to – more likely until my dad was embarrassed enough at my inabilities that he no longer signed me up. (Honestly, though, who needed sports when “Charles In Charge” was in its heyday?) The point: I am not an athlete.

That said, in the comedy world, I’m a jock. Naturally, I’m a jock on my terms – a mixture of running, hiking, weight training, yoga and tennis – which terms apparently are those of a yuppie. In any event, if you want to be the second fittest guy on your UCB Harold team follow these tips:

(WARNING: You risk becoming an annoying, self-involved, worthy prick.)

(COUNTERWARNING: You’ll look good, so who cares?!)

(1) No caffeine or soda. Trust, you’ll feel great eliminating this addiction. Whenever you would reach for a diet coke, get a water.

(2) No dairy. This part sucks, because it means no pizza or ice cream, but giving up dairy is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself save quitting basketball. It also means you need to order food like a Long Island girl from time to time (i.e., “Can I please have the chicken burrito, but no cheese or sour cream?”), which is a pain in the ass.

(3) Stop drinking so much. And, by “drinking”, I obviously mean drinking alcohol. If you are reading this, chances are you do comedy, so you are already loose with low inhibitions. That said, skip the one or two or three beers a night at the bar after the show. You don’t need them.

(4) Do something physical 5 days a week (even if it is just 50 pushups before you shower). Once you start doing stuff, you’ll learn you have friends doing the same thing(s), and your exercising will become more social.

That’s it.  And if it starts to feel daunting, remember that getting in shape is easier than having great hair (which, by the way, I have).