Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 30, 2012

a report on HFO, the newest precious national resource

Oil won from the human facial gland is a highly-prized, much sought-after industrial lubricant crucial to the operation of a number of America's most advanced weapons systems, among them the M1A tank and various drones, including the MQ7-1. Some of the highest-volume producers of this precious commodity are persons living in dry and desert climates, as, lacking abundant water ?stores, their skin cools and protects itself from the scorching sun by secreting rich and luxurious oils from glands located on the face, scalp, and neck. While persons critical of the war of aggression that America is waging against the Afghani people blame its addiction to fossil fuels as the reason it broke hundreds of years of honorable tradition by maiming and torturing and killing persons merely suspected of wanting to harm its people and government, the primary reason the United States of America put boots on the ground in the Middle East was to secure access to the region's richest facial-oil-producing tribes, families, and groups.


“The Yanki came and began to measure the heads of our children,” said Shiruf Muhammud, a 34 year-old Afghani shepherd, through an interpreter. “They poked them with sticks of cotton and put those sticks in bags, rushing the bags to a waiting truck which drove off as soon as the bags were secured in large plastic coolers in the rear.” After tea, Shiruf told us that the Americans had come back a few weeks later, at first inviting, then coaxing, then ultimately threatening the parents of the town to let their children move to a giant house specially-built for harvesting the superfine oils secreted by the very young. “In the end, the Ammriki simply took the children,” the man continued, close to tears. “Loaded them up onto their trucks and drove off without telling us anything or paying us any money. My son and a few others escaped, and walked back here, but others are still missing. My niece, a girl of four years, has not yet returned.”


By weight more valuable – combined – than the yartsa gunbu, a unicorn's tears, the short-hairs of an honest politician, and the powdered and dried pancreas of Saint Francis of Assisi, human facial oil (HFO) is gaining popularity in Southern and Eastern Asian cultures as a cure-all drug. “I proscribe face oil for skin problems such as eczema and shingles, for internal problems such as ulcers and stomach cancer, and for rubbing onto sore and swollen joints, in particular the knees,” said Dr. Song Yue-Shi, who operates a number of healing centers in Hong Kong and mainland China. “The success rate of HFO treatment is very high, especially for persons suffering from HIV and from disorders of the central nervous system.” Independent clinical studies of HFO are rare, due to the substance's limited availability and its recent classification, by the U.S. Department of Defense, as a strategic national resource. Said Howard K. Schandenbürger, Jr., spokesperson for the Secretary of Defense, during a press conference held to address concerns over the ethical harvesting of HFO from non-combatants and children: “Facial oil is a sustainable, natural resource collected humanely and with due diligence from willing, well-compensated individuals across the globe. To minimize our impact on production capacity of HFO in regions subjugated for the benefit of America's corporations, such as in Afghanistan and Tajikistan, however, we have begun to recruit individuals of Native American ancestry living in this country's South-West, most notably members of the Hopi and Cherokee tribes, who have long been known to excrete facial oils of high quality.” Curiously, America's teenagers of European descent, who produce copious amounts of HFO daily, were not mentioned as candidates for harvesting.


??? mentiri factorem fecit