(insert first name of "Netflix" subscriber here),
messed up. I owe you an
killed a man. Very recently. I killed him and then disposed of the
body by melting it with acid in a plastic tub like i saw on Breaking Bad (now
available for streaming on instant!).
Needless to say, this whole ordeal was a big blunder on my part, and
probably could have been avoided.
of guilt out of the way, here's what I'm going to need from you. The price of Netflix has been raised in
order to buy me a ticket to some foreign country that doesn't have extradition
with the U.S. Poland is like this,
right? Please reply with your
knowledge of U.S. Poland extradition rights. ASAP.
Seriously, I need to skedaddle pronto. Like yesterday.
along: what are we, that is to say “Netflix,” going to do about this rise in
prices? Nothing. Pretty much. I mean, we just got some TV version of "Doctor Zhivago"
that's supposed to be okay, along with a huge slew of totally random ass
television programming from the nineties so y’all really need to chill. Quit your bitching.
you know that in some countries, children actually DIE of starvation? Oh, but if you can't order the
controversial yet on the whole underwhelming film "Birth" on DVD
because it costs a little more, you're gonna throw a hissy fit and shit all over the
place? Shame on you.
a few weeks, we will rename our DVD by mail service to
"Qwikster." We chose the
name "Qwikster" because it refers to quick delivery. Not because it was a nickname I had in
high school, referring to my tendency to prematurely ejaculate- which, by the
way, everybody better shut-up about.
Because I have a gun. And
I've already used it. We will keep
the name "Netflix" for streaming.
reminds me, if you ever decide to switch from “Netflix” to “Crackle,” I will
kill a man. Then for every day you
continue to have a “Crackle” account I will kill another man and another and
another and so on. There will be
blood (streaming soon on instant!).
Not even kidding.
just had to get those things off my chest. My therapist says it's good for me to express this stuff
instead of keeping it all pent up inside my mind box. We will work hard to regain your trust. And by trust I mean trust funds, which
we will be meticulously liquidating ASAP.
Seriously, we are literally doing it as I write this. So yeah, thanks for listening. Also, fuck STARZ. Also, unrelated, we may have given your
credit card information to everybody (whoops! my b!).
Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of "Netflix" and "Qwikster"
I have a slightly longer explanation on our blog along with a paypal account
number to which you can send your contributions. Also, if you would please accept my friend request on LinkedIn I
would really appreciate it. They
have LinkedIn in Poland, right?