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September 20, 2011

Did that netflix guy email you?

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Dear (insert first name of "Netflix" subscriber here),
I messed up.  I owe you an explanation. 
I killed a man.  Very recently.  I killed him and then disposed of the body by melting it with acid in a plastic tub like i saw on Breaking Bad (now available for streaming on instant!).  Needless to say, this whole ordeal was a big blunder on my part, and probably could have been avoided.
Admission of guilt out of the way, here's what I'm going to need from you.  The price of Netflix has been raised in order to buy me a ticket to some foreign country that doesn't have extradition with the U.S.  Poland is like this, right?  Please reply with your knowledge of U.S. Poland extradition rights.  ASAP.  Seriously, I need to skedaddle pronto.  Like yesterday.  
Moving along: what are we, that is to say “Netflix,” going to do about this rise in prices?  Nothing.  Pretty much.  I mean, we just got some TV version of "Doctor Zhivago" that's supposed to be okay, along with a huge slew of totally random ass television programming from the nineties so y’all really need to chill.  Quit your bitching.
Did you know that in some countries, children actually DIE of starvation?  Oh, but if you can't order the controversial yet on the whole underwhelming film "Birth" on DVD because it costs a little more, you're gonna throw a hissy fit and shit all over the place?  Shame on you.    
In a few weeks, we will rename our DVD by mail service to "Qwikster."  We chose the name "Qwikster" because it refers to quick delivery.  Not because it was a nickname I had in high school, referring to my tendency to prematurely ejaculate- which, by the way, everybody better shut-up about.  Because I have a gun.  And I've already used it.  We will keep the name "Netflix" for streaming. 
That reminds me, if you ever decide to switch from “Netflix” to “Crackle,” I will kill a man.  Then for every day you continue to have a “Crackle” account I will kill another man and another and another and so on.  There will be blood (streaming soon on instant!).  Not even kidding.    
Anyways, just had to get those things off my chest.  My therapist says it's good for me to express this stuff instead of keeping it all pent up inside my mind box.  We will work hard to regain your trust.  And by trust I mean trust funds, which we will be meticulously liquidating ASAP.  Seriously, we are literally doing it as I write this.  So yeah, thanks for listening.  Also, fuck STARZ.  Also, unrelated, we may have given your credit card information to everybody (whoops! my b!).       
Respectfully yours,

-Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of "Netflix" and "Qwikster"

p.s. I have a slightly longer explanation on our blog along with a paypal account number to which you can send your contributions.  Also, if you would please accept my friend request on LinkedIn I would really appreciate it.  They have LinkedIn in Poland, right?