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July 06, 2017
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The Model 3 can travel 215 miles before you need to throw it away and buy a new one.

This week, Elon Musk announced that production on Tesla’s first mass-market electric car, the Tesla 3, would begin on Friday. Experts say that this vehicle will “make or break” the ambitious automaker, so let’s take a peek at all the features they’re packing into that little battery box!

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  • Accelerates from zero to sixty eventually
  • Can travel 215 miles before you need to throw it away and buy a new one
  • Nearly silent rear wheel electric motor
  • One-touch power windows that are loud as fuck
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  • Battery recharges in under 10 minutes once you get a good pace going on the human-sized hamster wheel
  • Self-driving hardware automatically runs over roadside drifters
  • Premium audio system equipped with AM/FM/HD radio and a recording of Elon Musk singing Styx’s “Mr. Roboto”
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  • A 5 Star Safety Rating that’s practically begging you to try and crash this fucker
  • 10 different airbags, all of which can be partially deployed for napping
  • Touchscreen display provides turn-by-turn directions to any Hometown Buffet in the continental US
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  • Comfortably seats five man-spreading adults
  • Twelve-way power adjustable heated driver seat with available power adjustable catheter
  • High definition backup camera with built-in Snapchat filters
  • Available for $35,000 before tax incentives and bartering of exotic spices
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