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May 04, 2016

All the ways Fido REALLY likes to feel the love.

For as long as they’ve been “man’s best friend,” we all thought that the best way to show our affection for our dogs was to wrap our huge, human forms around their throats and lungs and give ‘em a big, fat squeeze. But there’s a new study out that says that hugging your dog could actually freak him the fuck out?! Canine-cuddling might be off the table, but thankfully the study stumbled upon a few Fido-friendly methods you can still use to let your doggie feel the love.

Deep, Penetrating Butt Rub

Think about it. Dogs are always using their butts. Whether dogs are walking, sitting, wagging, or pooping, the butt is always in the mix. You can do your pooch a real solid and work some of the tension out of his butt with a deep, penetrating massage. Grab your dog by the butt with two hands and use both of your thumbs to rub in a slow, circular motion, starting at his poop-hole and moving outwards.

Soft, Intimate Kissing

While dogs crave physical touch, petting is a big time no-no as scientists now believe that dogs are insanely jealous of our human hands. In one experiment, aggression levels rose drastically in dogs who were shown a video of a woman baking an entire cake with the use of her hands compared with those who watched a similar video where a woman could only use her mouth. Dogs find it far less demeaning to be shown affection in a way that they can simultaneously reciprocate, such as mouth kissing. But be sure take it slow, Romeo! Any sudden movements in your dog’s “face-space” are likely to trigger an attack.


Picking your dog up by it’s back legs has been found to trigger a huge release of oxytocin in their brains. Wolves are known to take turns grabbing members of their packs by the haunches and lowering them, face first, into rattlesnake holes and researchers believe that an evolutionary mechanism in dogs associates the upside-down sensation of being wheelbarrowed with the sweet taste of snake eggs.

Shave Its Legs

Pet psychologists have recently discovered that dogs hate their fur and think that being covered in it from head to toe looks totally dumb. Give your dog the gift of confidence by breaking out your Bic and shaving it’s legs bare. Dogs most prefer it if you cut their hair so it look like they are wearing a tweed vest and one of those big Fossil watches.

Put A Blindfold On It

An accidental finding of an experiment testing dogs’ piñata aptitude is that when you take away a dog’s sight, its incredible sense of smell and hearing gives it a “radar sense” just like the Marvel superhero Daredevil and that they all actually like experiencing the world better that way.

Nipple Twist

In one behavioral study, trainers tried tweaking their dogs’ nips as punishment, but turns out those lil’ freaks loved it! Dogs have, like, six nips, so go nuts!