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August 29, 2016

Todd is in an even tighter bind than the time I put a BlueTooth and Kaitlyn's braces payment on the credit card at once.

1) Well, it looks like everything has gone to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks at Tween Fest.

Todd, the poor guy running TweenFest, is pretty much at rock bottom. His sponsors are dropping like flies after word got out that those rowdy YouTube rapper boys ran on the stage during that mean congressman’s blues set and pretended to diddle his base guitar.

Now he needs to come up with thirty thousand dollars before the second weekend of Tween Fest or he’s gonna be up dump river without an oar. And to top it all off, Todd’s intern, Ethan, is going home for the week, even though Todd offered him as much college credit as he wanted.

I can’t even imagine being in that much debt. I once put a BlueTooth headset on my credit card right after we had made a payment on my daughter Kaitlyn’s braces and I was sweating bullets for three months until I paid it off. I even started skipping lunch to try and save a little money and would just eat oyster crackers and honey out of the office kitchenette if I got hungry.

2) Things aren’t going so hot for that Zayden, that kid who pretends to be blind, either

The girl in the crowd Zayden made fun of for not helping him when he was pretending to be blind gets back at him by showing up again and pretending to be blind.

And wouldn’t you know it, but Zayden is real mean to her when he think’s she’s blind and she gets the whole thing on videotape. Honestly, I’m not surprised that she was able to turn the tables on him like that. These kids always posting and sharing and liking about being PC and all that, but you should read the things that some of these girls text to Kaitlyn. They’re just plain nasty. You can’t go all crazy about that gorilla getting shot and then send my daughter the c-word over and over. Sometimes, I don’t think you can even be a decent person until you’re at least 20 ‘cause until then, you just got too many hormones in your brain making you dumb. I’ve got half a mind to take Kaitlyn’s phone away so she doesn’t have to deal with all of it, but it really is a big help when it’s time to pick her up from swim practice.

Anyway, everyone finds out real quick that Zayden is a phony baloney cause the video that the other fake blind girl took goes crazy viral and Lexii C., the girl with the famous Vend More, breaks up with him through an internet post.

I swear that these kids can’t have a face to face conversation for the life of ‘em. Kaitlyn came down to the dinner table one night bawling her eyes out 'cause she said was fighting with her friend Maddie. I asked if it happened at school and she said it was on InstantGram and I laughed. I couldn’t help myself and I wish I could because things are tough enough between us as it is.

Anyway, Zayden starts wandering through the dessert to try and figure out who he really is and I get that. When I didn’t walk on to my college’s football team I had to do a lot of soul searching.

3) Dusty, the kid who does the Family Guy Impressions but can’t do them anymore ‘cause he’ll get sued, heads out into the desert to practice smoking his vape with that janitor who is really good at smoking vape.

I guess this was supposed to be the show’s big training montage, but all these guys were doing was blowing smoke at each other. There was no running or punching or nothing. Just a man and a child getting high as a kite out in the middle of nowhere.

I’m sorry, I know I’m gonna sound like a grandpa, but is this what passes for hard work with kids these days? When my old man put me to work, he would have me dig a six foot hole before he’d even give me breakfast. Then I’d go back out there and fill the hole back in. The old man didn’t need the hole for anything. He was just trying to break me. It put a big strain on our relationship, but at least it taught me how to bust my butt.

Anyway, Twonk Master Chris signed Dusty up for the vape tournament at Tween Fest, so to get ready they have a vape duel where they both try to smoke vape better than the other…

…but Twonk Master Chris’s lungs end up exploding.

I still don’t think that smoking vape is a good way to spend your time, but at least I could to relate to this part because I had a “student has become the master” moment when I beat the stuffing out of my old man one Christmas when he got drunk and started mooing like a cow at my wife.

Anyway, I asked Kaitlyn if any of the kids in her class are smoking the vape and she said that some of the older kids are and I just wish that I could keep her this age forever ‘cause just thinking about the next couple of years scares the bejesus out of me.

4) Todd almost has to move TweenFest to a mountain lion park to save money, but then Spurge Energy Drink comes through and saves the day.

Todd is trying to find a cheaper plot of land to do the second weekend of Tween Fest and, oh brother, have I been there.

I mean, the man is getting desperate.

When the HR Block came to town, I lost a lot of business during tax season. For a second I thought I was gonna have to sell the house and move the whole family into one of those condos by the train station. But then they caught one of the guys working there spying on the high school boys’ tennis practices and most of the customers came back which I really think was God’s way of showing me favor.

Anyway, apparently Spurge liked it when those mean teens pretended to diddle the congressman’s base because they’re sponsor the rest of TweenFest and now Todd doesn’t have to move it to the dog food factory or the horse killing field or the mountain lion park. That’s good news because according to some weirdo hippy, mountains lions love to eat tweens.

By the way, have you ever tried one of these energy drinks? I had one when I was driving the family back from the lake late one night and the gas station was all out of coffee. I’ll tell you, I felt about ready to piss a gallon of blood. I couldn’t even calm down once we got home, so I just stayed up all night organizing the garage. We weren’t planning on coming back that night, but one of Kaitlyn’s friends was having a birthday party the next day and when she realized she was gonna miss it she started to have an honest to goodness panic attack. Man, the things we do for our kids, huh?

Anyway, if you want to see what all the hub-bub is about, you can watch Tween Fest for free on go90. They got new episodes every Wednesday, which I think is “dope,” even if my daughter says I can’t say that.