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March 04, 2016
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As a new season of House of Cards approaches, just wanted to clear up one thing: his asides are meant for me, and me alone.

A new season of House Of Cards is thankfully coming out today. And I just know that within the first ten minutes of Season 4 Episode 1, President Frank Underwood is going to turn his sassy southern head to the camera and say what he’s really thinking. But he’s not talking to the the entire viewing audience as a group. No. Fuck you. He’s talking directly to me.

Sure, it may appear like he’s locking eyes with you when he divulges his truest intentions, but sadly, that’s just an unfortunate camera trick. Sorry. Nice try though. He’s actually looking only into my eyes, and I’m looking right back. Not judging. Just listening. Because that’s what I do best.

You see, we get each other, Frank and me. We both grew up in the South, he’s from South Carolina and I’m from South Jersey. We both love singing. We’ve both pushed people in front of moving trains. We both even look a little bit like Academy Award winner, Kevin Spacey. We have a real connection. Your connection with him? No offense, but it’s bullshit.

In fact, next time he does do an aside, the polite thing to do, not to mention the patriotic thing to do, would be to plug your ears. Because otherwise you’d be rudely eavesdropping on a private exchange between the President of the United States and his closest confident. That’s right, he tells me things he wouldn’t dare tell his wife. Oh I’m fully aware how jealous The First Lady is of me. How desperately she wishes her husband trusted her like he trusts me, but the simple truth is, he doesn’t.

So Claire: Back. The Fuck. Off.

Only a few more seconds until the new episodes drop. A few more seconds until I can do my part to help our country and our President. Frank, I swear I won’t let you down, I am your humble serv- OH CRAP. Zack Morris just said, “time out” - he needs me! Gotta go!

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