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July 30, 2009

Nowadays we take for granted how easy our access to pornography really is. In addition to dozens of high-end, premium porn websites, there are hundreds of pirate websites offering thousands of free porn clips to satisfy your masturbatory needs.  Here are a few of my favorites:






And lets not forget the fine people at Naughty America:


But getting good quality content to jerk off to wasn’t always easy.
Trust me, I know better than anyone. As I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions, I was a fat kid up until around junior high. And although I wasn’t fat during my high school years, I still had the stigma of being a fat kid. For some reason I never thought I was good enough to have a girlfriend, and because of that I missed out on spin-the-bottle games, getting to third base in little league dugouts, and having sex on prom nights in log cabins. I was alone a lot of the time, and since no one else was taking care of my sexual needs, I had no other choice but to spend that alone time jerking off.

 And, please, don’t feel sorry for me. On my very first day of college, at Syracuse University, I discovered how easy hooking-up really is. Some adorable brunette freshman with huge boobs found me at a frat party and took me back to her dorm room – where I stuck my finger in a vagina for the very first time! And she was a Jewish girl to boot -- which at the time was very exotic for me, being that I’m a Catholic boy from Maine. After that night, the flood gates were officially open and that’s when I became the sexually retarded pimp that I am today.

But prior to going away to college, I had to jerk off a lot – and by a lot, I mean several times a day. Because of that, I had to be creative. Here are my top five ways of stimulating masturbation.

PLAYBOY CHANNEL: When I was young we only had basic cable so we didn’t get the Playboy Channel, but that didn’t stop me from watching the scrambled signal on channel 27 all the time. The erotic noises and occasional boob-shots were enough to get the job done. And I soon discovered that any scenes involving bright lights or underwater sequences somehow broke through the scrambled signal and would actually be viewable for minutes at a time.

HBO/CINEMAX/SHOWTIME FREE PREVIEWS: I used to love when premium cable channels like HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime had free preview weekends in an attempt to lure new subscribers. I knew my dad would never pay for those channels so I would buy a six pack of VHS tapes and record everything I could.

In addition to taping great movies like Coming to America, RoboCop, and the 1987 Dan Akroyd/Tom Hanks movie, Dragnet, I also used those opportunities to record soft core porn on Skinemax and episodes of Red Shoe Diaries.

FRENCH-CANADIAN CHANNELS: I grew up in an area of Maine that has a large French-Canadian population. I’m French-Canadian and just about everyone I know in Maine is French-Canadian. Because of that, the local cable provider imported a couple French language channels from Québec. And apparently Canada has the same easy going attitude about sex that Europe has, because late at night both French-Canadian channels aired these sexy European coming of age movies which usually featured several love scenes involving women with hairy armpits.

: Before A&E was the Dog the Bounty Hunter Channel, it was the World War II Channel. And before it was the World War II Channel, it was the British Porn Channel. On Sunday nights, A&E would play these sexually themed BBC movies with awesome bush shots. Unfortunately for some reason, most of the movies also featured British character actor, Albert Finney.

PLAYBOY MAGAZINES: In high school, I worked at a convenient store that sold every kind of pornographic magazine imaginable. And although I could choose from issues of Penthouse Letters, Swank, or Barely Legal, I always stayed within the Playboy family of books – be it the monthly flagship title or the monthly specials which usually had coed, lingerie, or wet and wild themes.

One of my greatest masturbating fantasies came true years later, when I was casting for a Playboy reality show at the Playboy offices in Beverly Hills. I met an older playmate named Petra Verkaik that I used to jerk off to all the time when I was in high school.

The whole time I was pre-interviewing Petra, I just wanted to tell her how amazing her breasts were, and personally thank her for helping me masturbate all throughout high school. But instead, I wrote that she had the personality of a saltine and she never ended up making it on the show.
I did jerk off to her that night when I got home though.