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May 17, 2017

"You’ve seen how well I don’t question you or object to what you’re doing or anything like that."

Dear Donald,

Hey, man. What’s up? I haven’t seen you in a while. When’s the last time we hung out? On that bus? Remember that? We were talking about girls and stuff, and somebody pranked us and recorded the whole thing and put it on the news. That was crazy, right? I don’t know about you, but I got in pretty big trouble. Turns out, because of my job, people held me to a pretty high standard about stuff like that. You’re lucky you’ve never had to deal with anything like that.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Also, wanted to let you know I’m looking for work. Been tough finding a job since I saw you last. Not to be too forward, but I heard you were looking for someone to run the FBI. I actually think that might be a really perfect fit for me.

First, we all know how good I am at just going along with you. I’m exactly what you’re looking for. You’ve seen how well I don’t question you or object to what you’re doing or anything like that. I can shut down an investigation faster than you can say “Michael Flynn,” no hesitation. I’d just be there for the ride, and maybe a supportive giggle whenever you need it. I know you’re probably interviewing a ton of people with great experience, but you don’t need another Washington insider capable of telling you that something is a bad idea or refusing to indulge your unrestrained impulses.

Second, I know my previous job experience may seem unrelated, but what better skill for the leader of the FBI than access? And what more despicable enemy to know how to access than Hollywood?

Finally, no offense, but you kind of owe me a job.

Your fellow hairdo,