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Published January 15, 2013 More Info »
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Published January 15, 2013

 

Allow me to preface this by saying that I have never received a handjob.

Wanna know why?

Because any woman who was ever intimate enough with me to give me a handjob respected and cared about me more than that.

Look, man. Sex can be the purest expression of intimacy, trust, and love between two or more consenting human beings. Fuckin’ TRY to describe a handjob as any of those. A handjob doesn’t even SOUND sexy! I mean there are plenty of unsexy euphemisms for sex out there and those ones are my favorites. But look:

YOU: So grandpa, how’s retirement treatin’ ya?

YOUR GRANDPA: You know, model-makin’, hwittlin’, yer grandma’s been makin me tend the herb garden, just little handjobs here ‘n’ thar to pass th’ time! 

Fuck your Mark Twain-ass grandpa’s name for a loveless, hateful sex act.

A handjob is always, like, Plan C. No man seeks out a handjob; no woman plans on giving a handjob. A handjob is “my roommate is awake and the walls are thin” or “we’re short on time” or “I want you to know that I’m leaving you, Kirk. Largely due to the fact that your name is fucking KIRK.”

A handjob is always a compromise. “I’m not ready to have sex yet!” “But baby, I’d much rather have an awkward, begrudging sexual experience immediately than wait a little bit!” 
Eyes roll. 
Pants are unzipped. 
No eye contact. 
Both parties are anxious to get to the end.
Everyone just resents each other! “Why are you taking so long?”  ”Did you seriously just Snapchat me a picture of you making a pouty-face with the caption ‘bored :( entertain meeeee’?” “Well that was a big group Snapchat, I didn’t realize I selected you!”
What does a girl even do once a guy shoots his load?  Like, that’s gotta be even more uncomfortable than the actual handjob!

And another thing! Like, why would I want someone else to jerk me off? I’m so good at jerking MYSELF off! Better than this person would be! 
It’s like if I’m Rodney Dangerfield and you’re trying to tell me some "no respect" joke your uncle told you. Like, I appreciate that you’re telling me the joke, and it’s very nice, but like, you, me, and everyone around us knows that I’d be doing a better job at telling it. And it’d be rude of you to give them criticism, cuz, like, they’re already doing you a goddamn service with no reward. I do not recommend looking a gift horse in the mouth or the loosely-gripped non-dominant hand.

I just don’t get it, man. Like, if I wanted to have a hand stimulate my shaft, I’d like it to be my own and save everyone the trouble.

NO ONE FUCKING LIKES HANDJOBS I GUESS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY. 

Just go down on each other, or have actual sex with each other! Or, like, a nice conversation or something!
You shouldn’t half-ass anything, and you DEFINITELY shouldn’t half-ass the creation of life, the expression of love, and perhaps the most primal instinct we have. Please, for the love of God, show yourself and your partner some respect, and don’t give anymore goddamn handjobs.

One last thing: 
I told my best friend Conor that I was writing a thing about handjobs and he suggested the following:

yo 
can you put in the fact
that if kevin dillon and matt dillon gave each other handjobs
it would be really gross
So there you have it, folks.  Love each other, don’t treat sex like a chore, and enough with the handjobs.
 
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