To state it bluntly, Greece has fucked up financially and their vote to not accept the bailout likely means they will abandon the euro and will reinstate the drachma as their currency. This is an unstable and frankly sort of scary time for the country.
All eyes are on Greece to see what the country’s next move is. Well, fear not you Mediterranean mess,we have some big ideas, a basic knowledge of your country, and want to help design your new currency. Throw away all your preconceived notions about what money “is” and what it should “look” like because we’re about to smash some glass ceilings and show you some ideas that belong in a museum from the future!
This ain’t your big fat Greek momma’s drachma. This is a new one, and because of that lets spell it more like the word dragon because, grrl, you’re born from fire now. This is the dragma, fuck yeah. And the dragma doesn’t just have anyone on it, motherfucker, it’s got a WOMAN on it. The patriarchy is over in Greece, it’s time for the most badass Greek bitch we could think of off the top of our heads to rule this cash and that’s Arianna Huffington.
You know what, why stop there? Why the fuck should your new currency look like the old currency? Or any currency?! Lets make this shit sing. We’re honoring the hottest woman in history (Helen of Troy!) by placing the hottest woman alive today (Sofia Vergara!) on this sexy new heart-shaped bill!
You know what, Greece, this is feeling so good I say we push past the heart! Hell! Let’s go past the whole second dimension, leave that shit to Germany, the flat freaks.
Your new dragma: A gorgeous perfect sphere. Why stop at one person on a “bill?” Let’s put them all on! It’s a Google image search of Greek American celebrities!
Aight, Greece, as you can tell we are kicking ass right now. This Grexit (Greek exit, ya turd) is gonna be the best moment of your life. But lets get serious about our economics here: You’re going to need to tie your currency to another currency, one that already has international legitimacy. But fuck the dollar, dudes, lets kick it Greek and tie your currency to something of real value: Dannon’s Greek yogurt Oikos points. You know, the points you accrue by collecting the tops of Oikos Greek yogurt (we haven’t looked this up, we are just assuming that is a promotion they are currently running.)
I bet you’re kinda freaking out, like, “How do I get these Oikos points and where are they distributing these Vergara bucks?” Well, first of all, chill the fuck out out. And second of all, we’ll get them to you, don’t worry. In the meantime, you can start using all those frickin’ busts and statues you have laying around. Just start trading them for things you actually need like hotdogs and sunscreen! We don’t care what you do with your new bust bucks!
Oh man this whole fucking time we’re out here thinking of money as things and not an experience and that has been the biggest bummer of them all. In fact, I’m willing to bet 18 Dannon Oikos points that that’s what got y'all into this friggin’ kerfuffle in the first place.
So how about we can use all these little dingery-bats and whoozy-whatzits but the most valuable currency is self worth. Ya hear that? That’s an older Greek lady following you around telling you how wonderful and treasured you are.
And you hear that louder noise, Greece? That’s the sound of us fixing up your economy in one giant brainstorming session.
No need to thank us, we’ll accept Greek American Spheres and that Virgin Island trip you cashed in on!