Stats & Data

March 09, 2018

Jokes I plan to use in a stand-up routine soon

Ryan Nelson Stand-Up Jokes

So I recently drove to a Homeless Nudist colony. It was a rocky road, but we made it soon enough. My biggest complaint was all the bumpiness.

I have this friend named Roy G. Biv. He is color blind. I think I offended him because I asked him if he’d ever seen The Color Purple. We went to see The Wizard of Oz in theaters, and he kept asking me: “What’s the big deal? So Dorothy gets to Oz, everyone in here oohs and ahhs, I don’t get it! Yellow Brick Road? What the heck is that? You mean the brick road?”

And my buddy Roy and I are frequently getting into political arguments. I accuse him of seeing things in black and white.

He’s a Republican, so he’s a conspiracy theorist. He believes the color triangle is a myth propagated by the US Government to control people through traffic lights. He believes he is the only one immune to the color-based rays that the government shoots at us while we’re waiting at a light.

Roy would say the oddest things: “Technicolor is a lie, man…”

Roy once tried to find a pot of gold, then gave up after 5 minutes and declared rainbows a hoax.

(This next joke sounded to me like a semi-naughty joke you would hear elementary kids say on the playground)

Do you remember The Princess Bride? What prayer did Ennigo Montoya say when he was nervous on his wedding night?

“Father, please guide my sword…”

What do you call Enrique Pena Nieto as a robot?

The Mech-xican President.

Q: What do you have when two mummies pass gas at the same time?

A: They’d have a toot in common

I guess you could say they had sarcophGAS

It happened at the museum of ancient fart

Q: What is the French Plumber’s favorite tool?

A: A croissant wrench

So Kobe Bryant was recently driving on a Los Angeles freeway with his wife. Oddly enough, he pulled up behind WWE star Dwayne Johnson. Mr. Johnson was going extra slow, and Mrs. Bryant told her husband to go around, but Kobe wouldn’t do it. He just kept driving behind the slow wrestler on the freeway. So I guess even in retirement, Kobe can’t pass the Rock.

As Disney is want to do, they are rebooting their classic Snow White. Miley Cyrus is tapped to star, featuring her new hit song “Whistle While You Twerk.”

Trump Jokes

What is Donald Trump’s favorite Genesis song?

Land of Collusion

Q: What is Donald Trump’s favorite Guns n Roses album?

A: Use Your Collusion 1

Q: What is Donald Trump’s favorite movie?

A: The Collusionist

Possible Jokes (not sure if they will work)

What should a lady wear if she wants to keep the redneck men away from her when she goes to a bar?

A mullet-proof vest

There is a new Wonder Woman product tie-in. This time, its actually a dental product. Floss. Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Tooth

New Star Wars-themed Italian food product: Boba Fettuccine

New Campbell’s soup product: David Lee Broth

General Ackbar’s product line of tarps. Tagline: “It’s a Tarp!”

The New Urban dictionary

Overreaction: When a woman emotionally responds during her time of the month. (ovary action)

Before he became the farseer for the Czar, Grigori Rasputin tried his hand at stand-up comedy. In Russia, end of world predicts you

Q: What do you call it when a ghost kills himself?

A: Booicide

Killing a baby ghost