The worst part of the holiday season is when those nosy distant relatives you haven’t seen all year ask that dreaded question:
“So… do you have a girlfriend yet?”
But with the help of my love-worn Cheers box set, I’ll teach you how to impress your family by bringing a bangin’ chick to the holiday party using the lady wisdom and smooth skills of my idol Ted Danson.
Step 1 - Get prepared.
Don’t let Ted Danson fool you with how easy he makes it look with his wily charms– picking up chicks is hard in real life. Since girls love the asshole attitude, the best technique to start with is “negging,” which is when you say something mean to someone to make them feel worse about themselves so that for some reason they want you.
You can even neg yourself! Practice by standing in front of a mirror and repeating something mean and super specific to your own life. Like, when I neg myself, I say, “Of course Monica broke up with you, you revolting failure” over and over again until I cry. Make sure you neg yourself until you cry, so that way you know you’re doing it enough to get an emotional reaction.
Step 2 - Make a dating profile.
The great thing about the Internet is that you can lie about yourself and nobody will even know it, because they can’t see your arrest records or how sweaty you are. I personally like to stretch the truth a bit by using photos of Ted Danson for my profile picture so that women might be pleasantly surprised when they meet me and see that I’m much more doughy and attainable.
Step 3 - Slide into those DMs.
There’s a lot of great ways to break the ice. My current favorite is “So, I heard Trump is president. Sucks for women. Did you get an IUD?” I like this opener because it shows I’m politically conscious, and particularly that I care about hot womens’ bodies. When I run out of zingers I just use Sam Malone quotes, like “Whoa! Sexy, dumb, and a cheap date!”
Step 4 - Get to know each other.
If she replies, the deal’s good as done (and if she doesn’t, just remind her that she is ugly and you only messaged her as a social experiment). When she asks you about yourself, feel free to copy and paste the “early life” section of your favorite sitcom actor’s Wikipedia article. Don’t forget to remove the annotations, though– that’s wrecked my game more than once.
Step 5 - Go to your family gathering together.
Now, hear me out. You have to meet her for the first time with your family present. When she realizes that you’ve completely modeled your appearance and personality after a Cheers character, it’ll be way too awkward for her to leave. Then, you can introduce her to Monica, who your family loves more than you even though you broke up in 2011. Monica will be so jealous– it’ll be a real Sam and Diane situation if you know what I mean.
Step 6 - Enjoy your success.
Who cares if it doesn’t work out afterwards? With a hot babe on your arm, everyone can see that you’ve finally done well for yourself for a couple hours. And without a real girlfriend, at least you won’t have anyone nagging at you to “at least move on to Frasier like the rest of the world!”
Step 7 - Repeat steps 1-6.
Or, you know, just go back to Step 1 and stare at yourself in the mirror and cry.