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December 12, 2013

Fox News' Megyn Kelly recently adamantly stated that Santa is white. This should clear things up.

Dear Megyn Kelly, 
I was recently watching your program (as a goof, of course) and you grabbed my attention when you began talking about me with three of your colleagues. Moi? I was willing to look past why a news program was bringing on a panel of “experts” to discuss a topic meant for small children because, well, I just love it when people talk about me. Oh I’m so bad! 
My favorite part was when you began discussing my race and insisting that I was white. I’m not sure why I found this so funny. Maybe it’s the fact that I am a figment of your imagination, or everyone’s imagination, for that matter. What I mean is that I am not real. Fake. Made up to give children something to look forward to. Fake. Much like the Easter Bunny. Or a certain networks's claim to be “fair and balanced." While you may have stated that my existence was based on St. Nicholas and thus my caucasian background is a “verifiable fact,” you see, I am not real. “Based on” and “am” are two very different things. For example: the film “Evan Almighty” is based on the story of Noah, but is not an accurate depiction of the biblical tale. “Jurassic Park” is based on a novel, but you cannot read it in the movie theater. And why would you? Unless they were playing the soundtrack while you read. 
While we’re at it, I noticed you stated that Jesus Christ’s whiteness was also a “verifiable fact.” It’s very impressive that you have a photograph of Jesus. Perhaps it was taken while you guys were on the roller coaster and you bought it for 10 bucks even though you can just take a picture of it with your phone for zero dollars. That must have been a fun day you two had because you obviously know him personally and have seen him in real life! I did not realize you were you a prophet or a time jumper. Or a liar! Either way! Good times ahead!
One more thing: you began your segment by stating “For all you kids watching at home” so I have to assume that tons of kids are watching Fox News round the clock (as opposed to letting their imaginations run wild and conjuring up whatever image they wish for a fictional character). If you could do me a solid and inform them that you are so ridiculous of a person that perhaps it is you that is fictional because how can a real human being’s logic be so flawed, that would be excellent. 
That’s all. Merry Christmas. Or Happy Holidays. Who gives a shit what you do with your own time? Certainly not me. 
Yours in whatever color you want,
The fictional person we invented to make children happy