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July 23, 2012

A hilarious take on modern bingo calls from a celeb point of view!

British Bingo includes a few bizarre names. These are mostly traditional and go way back; “Burlington Bertie, number thirty” – a cockney rhyming slang reference to a music hall song from 1900 – so you get the picture.

Online Bingo has been growing like crazy on both sides of the Atlantic. In the UK, the number one site is Jackpotjoy, which has used celebs to great effect in becoming the country’s most popular online Bingo site.

So we’ve decided the traditional calls are a little out of date for the online Bingo age - and have composed a whole new lexicon for today’s hot news celebrities.

So without further ado…

How about “On its Own – number one” for Katie Holmes after her split with Tom Cruise? Or maybe it’s better for him?

Better still, how about “Getting Plenty, number twenty” for alleged weenie wacker (and appropriately named…) Fred Willard? The 78 year-old actor was arrested and charged with lewd conduct after being caught with his pants down and genitals exposed at Hollywood's Tiki Theatre. So really, “not getting enough” may be closer to the real thing.

Then it’s gotta be “One Little Duck” (number two) for a little modern rhyming slang for Lindsay Lohan’s Dad, Michael, who has managed to impregnate his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Kate Major. Lindsay has expressed a little “concern” about how her Mom will react to the news, as she’s had to drag Michael to court a few times over the years for failing to provide child support. That one little duck may prove to be an unwise move for the 52 year-old.

As for Lindsay herself, well it’s got to be “Did You Score / Do You Want Some More? – number 24”. Nuff said.

“All the threes, 33” has to go to Kaitlyn Leeb, starring as the three-boobed hooker in the Total Recall remake of the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger version.

Then “In Your Prime, 29” goes to Jeff Goldblum’s girlfriend 29-year-old Emilie Livingston – and definitely not 59 year-old Goldblum himself, whatever he’d like to think. Maybe “You’re Late, 38” may be more appropriate – or even “Red Raw, 64”; you never know!

“Sweet Sixteen” meanwhile, has to go to teen pin-up Justin Bieber, despite the fact that he has two years on 16 in reality. The Canadian songster recently referred to Michelangelo’s painting of the "Sixteenth Chapel", but you’ve got to love the youngster.

And how about “cock and hen, number ten” or possibly “Dirty Gertie, number 30” in honour of socialite and reality TV star, 31 year-old Kim Kardashian? Kim became famous the world over after the home sex video she made with rapper Ray J in 2003 was leaked, Vivid Entertainment bought the rights for $1 million and released the movie as “Kim Kardashian: Superstar” in February 2007. Since then, Kim’s proven her ability to endorse almost ANYTHING for the right price – so perhaps it should be “Ask for More, 34”?

Last but not least, we think former British soap-star and front-woman for the Jackpotjoy online Bingo site should be the traditional “two fat ladies – 88” not for the girth of her waistline, but for her two most appealing features further up – for the last four decades or so!