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May 05, 2017
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Barb must be the main character, right?

Black Mirror

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Easily the most fucked up shit to ever grace your television screen, Black Mirror can best be described as The Twilight Zone on bath salts. As depressingly dismal as the land that conceived it (Great Britain), this show does not mess around as each stand-alone episode will leave you paranoid and broken for an amount of time ranging anywhere between 5 minutes and the rest of your natural born life. From snippets of storylines frantically explained to me by my traumatized roommate, I’ve gathered that everyone is addicted to porn, technology is pure evil, and pig fucking still remains politics as usual. It’s recommended that you do not watch this series with your mom, during the Trump presidency, or if you plan to feel hopeful/happy about anything in your life ever again.

Stranger Things

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Everyone and their mother has seen Stranger Things. No joke, my mom watched the entire first season, which marked the first time she’s watched a show not about houses since the conception of HGTV in ‘94. From what I can gather, Stranger Things revolves around a bunch of spunky kids who share varying degrees of weird scientific powers. Their parents either ignore them or are dead, because it’s the 80’s, which gives them ample time to search for their missing friend Eleven, a girl who happens to rock the stage 4 cancer look due to evil government agents holding her captive so they can conduct horrible capitalist experiments on her probably. Additional characters include Barb, a goofy lady whom the internet loves more than Jesus. Stranger Things is the type of show that even iconic celebrities openly obsess over, which means it’s only a matter of time before these child stars end up in rehab or in a relationship with James Franco.

Game of Thrones

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Underlying themes include violence, rape, incest, dragons, rape, magic, winter is coming, rape, betrayal, war, and rape. Popular characters include the hot redhead, the hot blonde, the little girl with the giant eyebrows, the douchey child-king, and that cool as hell dwarf who straight up slays every scene he’s in from what I hear. The most pivotal moment within this series appears to be the “Red Wedding” which rocked every fan to the mother fucking core, causing severe PTSD-like symptoms to be felt by viewers and non-viewers alike. Fortunately, the Game of Thrones community is as resilient as it is massive and they were able to quickly recover by utilizing their signature move of never shutting the fuck up about it.

Westworld

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In a nutshell, Westworld is a spin-off version of Game of Thrones with less magic and more science because it’s way more future-y vibe-wise. EDIT: Was just told it has no similarities to Game of Thrones whatsoever. Well maybe the creators shouldn’t have named the show Westworld which sounds VERY similar to the name of a kingdom in Game of Thrones probably. Additionally, the fact that Westworld and Game of Thrones are both constantly talked about by the same people means that I hear close to nothing of what’s said because my brain is too busy blacking out in uncontrollable fits of rage.

The Walking Dead

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A violently graphic show about zombies - but don’t you dare call them zombies, they’re walkers motherfucker - is what I’ve been told by various fans on numerous occasions. What makes this show stand out is that at least one main character dies in every scene. I’ve also noticed that everyone drools over this Darryl character, which is baffling considering that he looks like a homeless crackhead who was definitely raised by racists. The key demographic tuning in each week are folks who were super cool in high school yet still remain in their hometown a decade later due to crippling fear. These statistics were compiled via Walking Dead Facebook posts as it comes to no surprise that this demographic also consists of heavily active users whose minds are perpetually stuck in the year 2008. It should be noted that The Walking Dead fans are consistently angry and on edge as a result of the alarming amount of graphic content they consume each week…causing them to unconsciously hate the show more than people who actually hate the show.

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