In a recent meeting of the Christian Republican Council, top leadership toiled over the bad reputation they’ve started to get among young voters and realized they had to make one grand, bold decision to help bring their name back to it’s glory once again. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it had to be done… Jesus had to go!
1 - Jesus is a socialist: Jesus is hanging out on the mount, giving a sermon, suddenly everybody gets hungry and not a single one of them thought to bring snacks. How does Jesus react? He gives all of them fish and bread! Thanks for creating the original food stamps, Jesus. Bernie Sander probably gave him the idea for this ruse. We all know Bernie was around back in the Biblical times.
2 - Jesus was the original supporter of Obamacare: Can you believe this guy? People are getting sick and dying, and here comes Jesus healing the sick and raising the dead. How’s a doctor of eastern medicine supposed to keep his practice open if he can’t keep people sick? Jesus is out there healing all of their patients. Blessings are a privilege, not a right!
3 - Jesus wasn’t white: Why didn’t anybody tell us he was from the Middle East? Do you realize the threat this poses? How did this guy make it through TSA? I saw a Pilot just the other day with a sticker on his luggage that read, “Jesus is my Co-Pilot”. Can’t they see the threat? Rumor has it; Jesus even met with Muhammad at some place called Dome of the Rock. That means he has Muslim ties! Treason! Treason I say!
4 - Jesus supported women’s rights: Can you believe the way he stuck up for the whorish women. “He without sin cast the first stone”. What is this? I mean, sure all of the Kings in the Bible had all sorts of concubines, but those Kings were MEN! It’s not the same. Plus he gave women the same kind of healing treatment he gave men. That should have been regulated by the Priests of the time. Who was he to decide those women needed equal access to health care?
5 - Jesus didn’t like the rich: Just when you think a guy is part of your crew, you find out he doesn’t like any of you. Maybe if the guy had some lobbyists behind him he wouldn’t have been crucified so easily. I mean, what is with him saying, “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money”. He couldn’t be more wrong. You can clearly serve your donors and your Super PAC. Plus there are two Koch brothers. Get with the times, Jesus.