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April 20, 2015

I’ve never smoked pot before. What better time to start than 4/20? And so to remember the “good vibes” I’m keeping a live journal of my first time smoking that “good ganja.”

12:00 p.m. - Hey guys, welcome to my live blog. A little bit about me. I recently moved to New York City from Iowa, and I’ve never smoked pot before, but figured what better day to give it a shot than 420? I’m pretty inexperienced with the stuff, so I asked a couple of people where to buy it. They said the best place is in the park. I’m going to check it out.

1:13 p.m. - Just got to the park. Walked around a bit, and low and behold some guy came up to me asking if I wanted to buy the good stuff. New York City is wild. The weed didn’t set me back as bad as I thought it would. It was only $15. Funny, I guess Hollywood doesn’t really know what it’s talking about, because in all the movies I’ve seen, weed is green, but this type looks like a bag of salt. The guy swears it’s the best thing I’ll ever smoke. Here’s to him!

4:20 p.m. - Weed is fantastic! Wow! “Grass” is great! All these conservative types, as we say in Iowa, have potatoes up their butts. I feel amazing! On top of the world! The guy with the swastika tattoo from the park said this was primo shit, and boy is it! I feel like I’m a rocket about to blast off! I’m invincible! I am a little itchy though. Like everywhere. I’m burning up here! This is probably what the guy meant by “fire.” I feel like running. I’m going to go for a run!

5:02 p.m. - Just got back from my run, and boy was it exciting! I went to Starbucks and the lady gave me a free Frappe, as long as “I didn’t hurt anyone,” and “left right now!” Boy who would have thought “pot” would be so great?

5:04 p.m. - Lighting up another “doob.” This time wasn’t as great as the last. I think I’m going to chase this feeling.

5:15 p.m. - The craziest thing just happened. I got back to my apartment, and this clown was just waiting for me. We started playing catch. My roommate saw us, and I think he’s jealous the clown picked me. Why else would he say that he can’t see the clown? The clown is right there!

5:25 p.m. - Clown told me that no one else will understand. I keep seeing 17, and he told me to look out for 17. Everywhere I go I see 17. It must mean something.

5:47 p.m. - Roommate told me to “calm down” and that I was “bleeding from my eyes.” What a narc. Going to the park. I feel invincible…

6:00 p.m. - The park is fantastic! Everyone is looking at me and I love it! The animals and trees are talking to me. They’re saying “your father was wrong, you are a handsome, successful boy.” I might just spark up here…

6:25 p.m. - 1717171717171717 Jesus chose the 17 because of the fault of humanity 1717171717171717171717 And he chose me to end it

6:45 p.m. - google.com will I feel this way forever?

7:00 p.m. - Scott Walker 2016.

8:54 p.m. - google.com how to get rid of weed demons?

9:43 p.m. - I’ll take the shot you trolls. Fuck you goblins. I don’t even care anymore. I’m a good boy. So what if I can’t play baseball dad? I’m a successful boy.

12:00 a.m. - Just woke up. Don’t really know where I am. I lost my clothes, and I’m covered in blood. God knows who’s blood it is. What have I done? My pastor was right. You shouldn’t smoke weed. It’s the devil’s weed. Every time I think about it I start shaking, and salivating. It’s too late for me. There’s no going back. I’m corrupted.

1:07 a.m. - The demon has taken me. I’m back in park. Looking for swastika tattoo guy. He’s no where to be found, and I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs for him for an hour. God fucking damn it I want some more weed. Right. Now. No one understands. I’ve touched the face of God. I would suck a dick for some weed. What has happened to me? I’m lost.

Found swastika tattoo guy. I’m back baby! The clown has given me my marching orders, and it’s time. Non-believers haven’t faced me for I am Alpha and Omega.

3:07 a.m. - Saw some cops need to run. Be back.

4:35 a.m. - In dumpster. Cops looking for me. Need to get to the nerve center. Only way to stop it. I don’t know if I will be back, and if I’m not God speed. The world will look to me in time.

*****If you have any information on this man please call the NYPD.