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February 27, 2017
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"The science tells us that you are always right, and everyone else is always wrong."

Groundbreaking Study Finds All Your Beliefs Are True and Supported by All Evidence

A new study released by the Consortium of Scientists for the Absolute Rule of Empirical Rationality has found that all of your beliefs are absolutely true, and that there is no evidence that could contradict them.

The New York based researchers concluded that there is statistically significant evidence to suggest that none of your beliefs about the world can be disproven, as they are all accurate and complete representations of reality at large.

“It’s quite simple,” said one of the researchers when responding to an enquiry from The Village Groupie. “Everything you think about how the world works: how society should function, your political outlook, your conceptions of good and evil, the intrinsic value you place in your daily habits and lifestyle, the way you think babies should be raised, the way you think everyone else in traffic is an asshole; just anything at all that you believe to be true, is proven true by our study. In simple terms, the science tells us that you are always right, and everyone else is always wrong. It’s quite the finding really.“

“In fact,” he continued “there is no problem if some of your beliefs contradict each other. Our study proves them all to be true. Like if you believe that all life is sacred, our study finds conclusive evidence to support this claim. But if you also believe that your annoying friend Trisha is a stupid bitch woman who deserves to die, we also found evidence to support that claim!”

Among many other things, the lengthy paper found evidence for the belief in the existence of the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Yahweh, Jesus, Zeus, Vishnu, the Slender Man, the United States’ democratic process, love, passion, the soul, the intrinsic kindness of mankind, and quite surprisingly, for the belief in the existence of Ted Cruz’s humanity. The paper also found simultaneous evidence to prove the non-existence of all those things.

In related news, upon hearing of the recent findings, Schrodinger’s cat released a statement saying that there is not enough space in his box for all these silly ideas.

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