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Published November 06, 2009 More Info »
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Published November 06, 2009

I don’t know if any of you have ever been mugged before, but it’s a terrifying moment in your life where time freezes because you don’t know if the guy holding the gun is going to kill you or not.

I was mugged once. Back in college during my senior year. And to make matters worse, it happened on the most scariest of all nights. Yup -- Halloween.

From left to right are most of my college roommates which included Anthony Solazzo as Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Marczak as some kind of tap dancing mosquito, Arn Albertini as a pirate, Stephen Harlton, Chris Bray, Annemarie Gregory, and Andy Hirsh as a bunch of geeks, and finally, old SJ Fatty himself as the Dark Knight.

The year was 1999 and I remember the night very clearly for two reasons:

1: My mom died just two weeks before that picture was taken. It was either the 12th or the 14th of October -- I can’t remember because I’m bad with dates, but she died of a heart attack and all of my roommates -- and a few extra friends -- made the trip from Syracuse to Maine to support me at her funeral.

2: I was dressed as fucking Batman -- I mean, go back and take a look at that picture. Even with the love handles I look kick ass.

I also remember the night for another reason: I didn’t get laid.

I don’t have time to get into the specifics, but there’s this girl who kind of was the bane of my existence in college. You know, I was totally in love with her but she was a total cock tease who abused the fact that I was so into her. Her name was Amy Bovine and I don’t have any pictures of her so I went on the internet and found a suitable representation:

On top of going to college with her, Amy was from a nearby town in Maine and also worked at the very same grocery store as I did during summer vacations -- which sucked because she ruined my summers too.

Anyway, you get the point -- she was a cunt. So after a few hours of bar hoping around our usual college watering holes with my roommates, I bumped into Amy who was dressed as some kind of ghoul:

One thing lead to another and I ended up going back to Amy’s dorm room where we just laid on her bed. That’s all we did. We just laid there doing nothing. Every attempt I made to hook up with her went completely ignored. Absolutely no response from her whatsoever. I mean, my mom just died and she couldn’t even give me a pity fuck…

So like I said, we just laid there until about 4:15 in the morning when she said, “You can stay if you want, but I’m going to bed now…”

I was in love with Amy but I decided to go back to my place so I could spend some quality time with the one thing I loved even more -- marijuana. I put my Batman cowl back on and off I went...

Now, the walk between Amy’s dorm, named Haven, and the house I rented with my roommates on 511 Euclid wasn’t too far -- I’d say it took about five to ten minutes to get there on foot. All I had to do was walk up Marshall Street to Comstock, and bang a left on University Place so I could cut through the student parking lot on Ostrom before turning onto Euclid. Piece of cake.

But the whole time I was walking, I felt like Ichabod Crane -- the main character from “the Legend of Sleepy Hollow” right before he was attacked by the Headless Horseman. And I only say that because I was the only person out that night at 4:15 in the morning, and I noticed an old, beat up Toyota Tercel hatchback driving around as I walked through the empty campus.

And sure enough, the Toyota Tercel pulled up in front of me as I cut through the parking lot on Ostrom. Inside the Tercel were three large black men -- and they didn’t need any Halloween masks because their faces were scary enough without anything. And I should also point out that none of them were the least bit worried about the fact that they had stopped Batman.

The guy at the passenger door said he needed gas money so he could drive to his “baby’s mamma” or something like that. I thought it was a little weird they would be driving around a college campus if they were out of gas, but I wasn’t about to question their story.

I tried explaining that even though I was wearing a Utility Belt I didn’t have any cash on me. And I wasn’t lying. I made only $75 a week at my work study job and that didn’t last too long between drinking, buying pot, and designing that elaborate Batman costume.

At that point, the guy in the Tercel changed his approach and asked if I wanted to buy some mushrooms instead. I was really bummed because I would have given anything to get my hands on some decent mushrooms, but once again, I was out of money.

I could tell the guy was losing his patience and he tried asking for gas money again. I told them I didn’t have anything and that’s when I saw the gun in his hand. He told me to get in the car so they could drive me back to my place to get my ATM card so they could take me to an ATM machine and give them money.

If I got in that car with them, I knew it was over, so I did the only thing Batman could do – I ran!

And I mean, I ran like a scared little pussy! I bolted the hell out of there with my cape flapping in the wind, and I didn’t stop until I was safe inside my house with my back against the door.

That was the one and only time I’ve ever been mugged, but after that night I decided if I’m ever out that late again dressed as Batman, I’m gonna make sure I have someone dressed up as Robin with me.

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