Summer is finally upon us. Here are the 10 things you NEED to do before the season ends.
See A Movie Under The Stars
Who wants to see a movie indoors with air conditioning when you can see it outdoors with poor sound quality and 100-degree heat?! Ignore the fact that you have Back To The Future on Blu-ray and watch it in worse definition with a bunch of sweaty nobodies! Make sure to get there early for uncomfortable seats!
Have a Teenage Summer Romance
You might think you’re too old for the teenage romance but the good news is technically only ONE of you needs to be a teen for it to count! So start hanging out in front of Hollister and meet the kid you’ll be telling all the guys in the office about in September. If the manager at Hollister asks what you’re doing just say, “I’m waiting for my nephew. He’s in the fitting room.” Like all teen summer romances, know that this will only last until Labor Day or until his/her parents involve the authorities. But, in the meantime, just enjoy yourselves!
Go Somewhere Cool, Consider Inviting Julie And Then Be Like, “Nah…”
Honestly, no offense, she’s been wicked annoying lately. It’s just like, YES we’re friends but, not to talk shit, she’s been so needy since her brother died. And, like I get that that’s sad but summer’s only two months long so sorry if I’m not trying to spend my whole time being like, “Is JULIE having fun?,” “Why is JULIE upset right now?” blah blah blah. Plus, all she does is talk shit about other people and honestly I think it’s ’cause her mom is basically not even that much older than her so she’s never had a strong maternal figure in her life. That’s also why she’s kind of a slut. I’m not talking behind her back, it’s just true. So we’re in all in agreement she’s NOT invited but also let’s not Instragram or anything while we’re there so she doesn’t know we went without her. Cool, guys?
Share An I Know What You Did Last Summer–Style Secret With Your Friends
Nothing bonds a group more than a hit and run you all promise to keep to yourselves. Like if you go, “Hey, guys, remember when we ran that man over and threw his body in the pier?” no one’s gonna be like, “No, I don’t remember that.” Everyone’s gonna say, “Yes, I have a very clear, vivid picture of that night.” Plus you’ll all grow even closer when this body somehow returns to life and starts picking you off one by one. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr. even ended up getting married afterwards? Or Sarah Michelle Gellar? One of them, I’m pretty sure.
Masturbate With The A/C Blasting
You know that feeling when you’re in your room and it’s so hot and sticky you’re like, “I can’t even jerk off right now cause it’s too much effort.” Folks — TURN ON THE A/C. It’s such a nice summer treat when you’re rubbing one out. Do it before you even open your laptop and, once you’re ready, it’ll feel like you’re seducing yourself on the top of Mount Everest. (Interesting Fact — I’ve tried this before and it’s super dangerous!!)
Destroy Your Parents’ Marriage
This is a fun way to kill a few hours when the dog days of summer really set in. JO into a buncha condoms and, instead of burying ’em in the floorboards like usual, casually sprinkle ’em around your parents’ bedroom. Put them somewhere that looks hidden but is also easy to find. No matter which parent finds them, they’re gonna think the other is cheating and get very upset. If they look like they’re somehow getting past it, increase the stakes by yelling things like, “Dad said if I told anyone he’d never speak to me again!” or “Mom’s pregnant! I found the tests in the trash!” Then immediately double your Christmas list cause you’re getting TWO OF ’EM this year.
Correct Someone Who Says “Who” When They Meant To Say “Whom”
It’s a known rule that the guy who constantly corrects people’s grammar is the most fun to be around. Assert your position as that guy and immediately get crowned King of the Summer. Hope you saved a few of those condoms from when you destroyed your parents’ marriage! You’ll be needing ’em!
Figure Out What That Show Castle Is About
Is it about lawyers? I think it’s about lawyers. Anyways, once you find out for sure, please email firstname.lastname@example.org. Cause I’m curious but I’m not so curious that I’d watch it or google a plot summary or whatever.
Sarcastically Say, “Hot Enough For Ya?”
This is a really fun thing to say to a stranger cause he’s gonna be like, “Um, YEAH IT IS! WHAT A COOL QUESTION ’CAUSE WE BOTH ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER!” He’ll appreciate you playing with expectations when you ask this rhetorical question because obviously yes it’s hot enough! It’s summer! Fuck, I’m laughing just thinking of this. Say it to as many people as you can, as often as possible. Say it in a liquor store and you’ll probably get free beers or something. THAT’S how cool it is to say this!
Get Stung To Death By Bees Like Thomas J. In My Girl
MAKE SURE YOU DO THIS ONE LAST!! Truly there’s no better way to end the summer than by throwing rocks at a beehive and getting stung to death. Make the bees EXTRA mad by, in addition to destroying their home, yelling a bunch of insults. Call the bees cowards. Tell him they don’t DESERVE to make honey. Honey’s for closers and they’re a bunch of stupid bitches. PRO TIP: Before they fatally sting you, let ’em sting you in the dick a couple of times first so you can see what that thing looks like really swollen. Shit’s so cool.
So there you go, 10 MUST DOs for the ultimate summer vacation. Enjoy and, if you’ve got suggestions of your own, don’t put ’em in the comments section below. That’s not what this is about.