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May 04, 2015
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Hey guys it's heat wave, unseasonably warm weather pattern. just shooting you a heads up that I'm breaking up with my girlfriend, so get comfortable

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Hi guys, It’s Heat Wave, but you can call me Craig. I know for the last couple years I’ve only been visiting you guys once or twice a year, which is about the number of times I should hang around.But It’s looking like I’ll be swinging by a little more often this year. Now this isn’t by choice, but… I’m not really in a good place with my girlfriend Brittney, so I think this is going to be the year we break up. Which would suck! Do you know how hard it is to find a down to earth girl whose skin doesn’t burn off when we hang out? Really hard, but I digress. I will be hanging around more often this year, so I just wanted to, you know…apologize for some things in advance.

First off, I’d like to say sorry to kids who eat ice cream.Me being around more often is going to cause any ice cream you get to melt really fast and get your hands all messy. In fact, some of you’re parents might not let you get ice cream since they know eating it is going to be a messy process. Now it’s not that I don’t enjoy ice cream, in fact, I ate a banana split out of a stripper’s thong, TWICE. The sheer nature of my existence makes everything around me hotter, and since Brittney thinks I’m cheating on her with another heat resistant mortal, I’ll most likely be staying over at friends place nearby A LOT this summer. His name’s Jerry, he’s chill. He also has a Nintendo 64 with a bunch of video games, so you know he’s 90’s as fuck. You can swing by and play games with us when you’re ice cream melts. Again, sorry about that.

I know a lot of you guys want to go outside this year and have some fun. You know, have your son’s birthday at the local park, play basketball with your friends, hiking, all that good stuff. And hey! You can totally do all those fun activities! Just remember that I’m in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend right now, and will also be spending a lot of time outside this year. You should also know that prolonged exposure to me is bad for your health.A lot of you are going to have heat strokes because of my presence, go a little insane, and in some extreme cases,die. To those of you that are going to die, your families have my hot condolences.

I’m really sorry about this guys, but who knows, there maybe some benefits to me being around more this year. For one, I’ll be back in the dating game! I always hear people say “there’s other fish in the sea”,others say “some like it hot”, so it only makes since that “There’s other fish that like it hot”. Also, since I’ll be around more often, that means that there’s going to be more opportunities to break open fire hydrants! Sure you could cool off by jumping in a pool, but why go that far when there’s a perfectly good fire hydrant down the street. Crack open that bad boy and boom, guaranteed watery fun for the entire neighborhood! And lets not forget about cooking eggs.Not everyone has a stove that they can cook eggs with, but no stove No problem!I’ll be bringing the heat this summer, so you can cook your eggs on sidewalks.Problem solved! or should I say, PROBLEMS solved.

You know, I went to an ice sculpting competition and accidentally melted all of the sculpture. I tried to cook thanksgiving dinner last year and ended up burning all of the food. I even got drunk at my sister’s wedding reception right before I had to give my speech (I primarily said things like “I know I’m drunk, but what am I?”and …actually, I think I just said that over and over again until somebody dragged me off stage). My main point is,like most people, I’ve done some bad things in my life. However, I apologize for all of my misdeeds (except for the wedding thing, it was last month and my sister won’t get rid of this restraining order.), and this is no exception. So again, I’m sorry, and see you this summer! Now I have to jet, I think Brittney’s throwing my shit out of the apartment again.

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