My Fellow Americans:
When our most cherished liberties become jeopardized by tyrannical fascist regimes, we as citizens must defend those liberties by any means necessary. As Thomas Jefferson once said, and General Francis Hummel famously repeated during his siege of the Rock, "the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." I submit to you that such a moment is upon us. I, of course, refer to the peril facing our Constitution's most cherished amendment. It is not the 2nd Amendment; with a quarter of a billion guns in circulation in the United States, that amendment is in no real danger. What could be more important than our right to bear arms? The 21st Amendment: our right to bear beer.
That's right, our very freedom to make, buy, and consume alcohol is at stake.
Some people will say that that's not the truth. But, let me ask you some questions to see if they're a hundred proof. Can anyone buy alcohol? No. Millions of people (we can't be sure of the exact number without doing a basic internet search) are unable to exercise their rights merely because of their age. Furthermore, law-abiding citizens are forced to go through invasive background checks in the form of showing identification. Are there laws that apply to beast as well as man? Yes. In Fairbanks, Alaska, it is illegal to serve alcohol to moose. (As a side note, someone must have done that in real life to fantastic consequences in order for them to make a law about that). These restrictions are so severe as to warrant a state of emergency... which creates an even greater concern if you live in Utah where it is illegal to sell alcohol during an emergency, as proclaimed by the Governor. Of course, this begs the question: if a situation is so dire that the governor is declaring a state of emergency, what else is there to do but drink?
The regulations are sobering to say the least. Yet, there are some who seem to have fallen off the wagon of liberty. They do not realize that we are on a slippery slope to repealing the repeal of prohibition. But let's not focus on the mouth-breathing halfwits who don't see the trouble brewing. We have bigger fish to beer batter fry. The reason our beloved 21st Amendment has been so deeply curtailed is that it doesn't have a vocal proponent in the way the 2nd Amendment does in the NRA. The 21st Amendment has no cohesive voice. Our isolated spokespeople, such as Lindsay Lohan and David Hasselhoff, do not get the respect that they deserve for their valiant efforts. Without them, we are a struggling nation. How can we deal with the trials of everyday life without the knowledge that forgetting our mundane struggles is only a few shots away?
Unfortunately, the alcohol industry kowtows to the anti-constitution fascists trying to water down our 21st Amendment rights. When, I ask you, will we enjoy an alcohol commercial without being warned about the side effects, or to enjoy it in moderation? When was the last time Beretta or Glock said to enjoy the 2nd Amendment in moderation? Smith and Wesson didn't even make their serial numbers harder for criminals to destroy until it got them out of a lawsuit. Fortunately, they no longer have to worry about such lawsuits.
In 2005, the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act (PLCAA) granted qualified immunity to gun manufacturers, protecting them from lawsuits arising from their lawfully-made, non-defective products (though in all fairness, the problem with gun violence is generally not that the guns are defective, but rather too effective). According to Congress, the reason for such a law is clear as vodka. If someone is shot by an assault weapon with a high capacity clip, his ability to sue the gun manufacturer is "an abuse of the legal system" that "erodes public confidence in our Nation's laws." Now that the manufacturers of products specifically designed to injure people cannot be sued by those who are injured, it can only be assumed that public confidence in our nation's laws is at an all-time high.
Because alcohol manufacturing, like firearm manufacturing, is one of the major American industries (add type II diabetes for the trifecta), we should put in place legislation to protect the alcohol industry like PLCAA protects the firearm industry. It is time to do away with laws that limit activity while exercising of one's 21st Amendment rights (driving, riding a horse in Colorado, working with children etc.). It is time to stop letting victims of drunk driving sue the bar that kept serving the driver after he was drunk. We need more alcohol in schools, not less. People without proper identification should be able to buy alcohol at booze shows. And, like the 6th Amendment's guarantee of a lawyer to those who cannot afford one, the government should provide alcohol to the indigent, thus, guaranteeing that all Americans may exercise their 21st Amendment rights. If we don't act now, we might permanently lose our rights to let the dogs out, get jiggy with it, and engage in other activities we would never dream of doing sober.
In closing, I caution you that some people might say more alcohol is not the answer. They say we must be kept safe from those who drink and drive, those who become violent when drunk, and girls who might go wild. However, as NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre knows, the only thing that stops a bad drunk is a good drunk. Certainly a sober person cannot reason with an angry drunk - rather, that takes a gregarious drunk. People don't want to listen to the sober person tell them they are are too drunk to drive. No, they will only listen to the responsible drunk. American patriots, I call upon you to rise up (your bottles) and exercise your 21st Amendment rights. And as a word of caution to the teetotaling fascists who seek to deprive us of our freedom, 1933 will commence again if you try to take our booze!
Ladies and gentlemen, if you have the hops to stand up for what you believe in, then sign this petition demanding the Obama Administration to reaffirm its belief in the 21st Amendment: