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April 29, 2011

First installation of a three part saga about the time I decided it would be a great idea to have my entire diet consist of bacon and cheese. Oh, and metamucil.

Part 1:

Dear Word Processor


My whole world changed with my New Year’s resolution. I heard this story from a friend who promised (PROMISED!) that if all I do is cut out ALL sugar and carbohydrates from my diet for two weeks, I'll lose all the fat on my body and have successfully turned myself into a fat eating machine. But a different model than I am now, like the Fat Eating Machine 2.0, now with less love handles. Atkins- I love you.

I'll let you know how it’s going, since I'm the exact kind of person who will have something go terribly wrong on this "no brainer" diet change. (By the way, it's not a diet, stop calling it that. It's a diet change. Calling it a diet just makes me feel fat) I'm likely the person who actually ends up gaining 20 pounds all while clogging my arteries and turning my heart into a sack of lard. 'Tis to be seen. Here are some thoughts from my first two days on the Atkins Miracle All-You-Can-Eat Bacon, Eggs, and Cheese diet. (See, I told you.)

Today, I sprinkled bacon on my salad and Atkins praised me. Goddamned enablers. Atkins said croutons are bad, and so the natural substitute is 3 slices of bacon. Not 1 slice. 3 slices. That’s what Atkins said.

Distractedly, I thought of all the things I could use bacon for. All the delicious things. I'd made an entire package before I knew what was going on. Uh oh.

Balanced breakfast = eggs, cheese, side of bacon. Actually. I really really wanted a tangerine today for a snack. But oranges are evil, so I made a breakfast sausage.

Oh god, I'm thirsty.

Cauliflower is my new best friend. Did you know that it has no carbs, but when you boil it to mush and add half a stick of butter it tastes almost like mashed potatoes?? I don't even like mashed potatoes that much, but it makes me feel like I'm cheating, and therefore living life to its fullest. Cauliflower... who would have known.

No sugar. Nope. None. Not even a little bit. BUT aspartame is A-OK! Tasteless joke in 3, 2, 1...

I'm getting ready with this diet for how I'll look after the chemo from the aspartame-induced cancer I'm bound to get.

Oh, touchy.  Get over it.


***Excerpt from Zombies on Parade: The Re-Enactment of a Quarter Life Crisis

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