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September 30, 2011

Ned’s a moron. His only stable job was as a box crusher. “Stomping is one thing I be good at,” he tells us. Which is why we should pity his daughter Ella, who lives in a tent with him. At night, the wild dogs harass them and steal their eggs. CRUD is an organization dedicated to helping Useless Dads become better parents, get a job or at least get them to stop yelling at postmen.

Ned from Canada. A truly useless dad
You can give a Useless Dad like Ned the chance to raise a healthy and happy child for just $35 per month.. OK $20... make it $10... why don't you just tell us how much you've got? 
CRUD is proud of our pioneering program to train Useless Dads in basic automobile mechanics to help stranded motorists. Our Motto is: “One Useless Dad for Every Highway”. So now when you see them reading a four-day-old betting newspaper on the side of the highway, you needn’t fear them – employ them!

Introduction letter from Useless Dad #3895: Ned from Canada

Hi. My name is Ned and this is Ella. Please hep me and my little girl. I ain’t got no money no job and guvment check. We live in a tent but it gets cold. The wild dogs harass us in da night and steal our eggs. My little girl has been wearing same diper for 6 weeks. She startin’ to smell bad. No wait, dat's me! MY thanks to Gina for the last donation of tweny bucks. I appreshiate your jenerosity. But I spent it all on beer and smokes. Can I have more pleas? I knew I shoulda went to college...Bye bye.


They forget birthdays. They yell at postmen. They harass ducks. And most importantly they think society owes them everything.

With your help the Committee to Reform Useless Dads (CRUD) is able to aid these losers. With your generous donations and sponsorships, we have been able to assist Useless Dads with the following:

Jobs: Many Useless Dads spend all day drinking and then call into right-wing radio talk shows. Others prefer scaring people in parks. CRUD successfully retrains them by making them pick up our trash, paint our fences, and hide in the bushes when we have a dinner party. ?

Many of our Useless Dads can’t spell worth a damn. But thanks to CRUD many of them now know a pencil from a pretzel. Some write shopping lists. Others have filled out credit card forms, several at a time in fact.

Child care:
Useless Dads never get this. They let their babies fester in soiled diapers until someone else comes along and does the job for them. Thanks to CRUD and your support, many have vowed never to have children again.


How does one become a Useless Dad? Is there a future in being a Useless Dad?
B?eing a Useless Dad takes no effort. In fact, that is the quickest way to being one – just don’t do shit. No, there is no future in being a Useless Dad, unless you want a career in traveling carnivals clearing out horse dung.

In what season do Useless Dads usually succumb??
Summer is worst. They can’t handle driving in the heat because they were too cheap to buy a car with AC. This is when shouting occurs the most.

My daddy used a knife to chisel away at ice in the freezer and he punctured it. Now we need to buy a new one. Is my dad Useless??
No, he is just dim. To be truly Useless he would have left the freezer in a 7-Eleven parking lot and put the food in a wheelbarrow. There is still hope for him. Use the parental control on your TV remote to hide Fox News.

Are you a useless dad? Don't be shy, we are here to help. Email us with your stories at brilliantorstupid@gmail.com