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September 16, 2015

They're mean, they're dangerous, and they'll beat the shit out of your morale.

The popular group of kids from high school that grew up to be anchors on television, Fox & Friends, had some disparaging thing to say about actress Emily Blunt. Blunt, who recently became an American citizen, joked that she regretted doing so after watching the Republican presidential debate last month.

Friend Anna Kooiman didn’t find this statement too funny at all andlet Blount (the sad audience of Fox & Friends) know it. “Why don’t you leave Hollywood, California, and let some American women take on the roles that you’re getting, because Americans are watching your movies and lining your pockets.”

This is not the first time the hosts of the show have tried to pick fights with people they barely know. In fact, it’s gotten to a point where we have no choice but to classify the show Fox & Friends as a gang. Now before you go all bananas, check out the FBI’s definition of a gang.


So in order for us all to agree on this, which we ought to, let’s get on the same page that the fact Fox & Friends passing as a news show for over 18 years is criminal. Then we can call it a criminal enterprise, no sweat.
Secondly, the show’s ability to create a conspiracy out of absolutely nothing, like when they convinced themselves that the magazine GQ was Democratic propaganda, is truly impressive. In fact, it’s that insanity that sustains the show’s viewership, bringing in the stupid amount of money these hosts make.

They all dress similarly,as if their adhering to some sort of WASPy dress code. Another surefire sign of a gang. But most importantly and what qualifies them as a gang without a doubt, is that they fucking harass anyone who gets in their way. You hear about street gangs beating the shit out of people who do stuff they don’t like and the way Fox & Friends verbally attack anyone they disagree with is exactly the same.

It’s honestly dangerous to not only go on that show, but speak badly about it because they’ll bring it up and act all butt hurt about it. Even if you simply speak poorly about republicans or the goddamn country, they’ll seek you out and intimidate you.

The key is to not give in to their brutality and stand your ground on your beliefs and self worth. They seem gregarious and just like any group of friends but before you know it you’ve watched an episode every day of the week and they’ve attacked every celebrity you’ve ever thought was “kinda cool” or “fine.” It’s a mental game they play, but by classifying them as what they really are, we can help cut down their power.

Also, Emily Bunt, there’s nothing more American than writhing at the site of Donald Trump on television. Congrats on your new citizenship! Welcome!