SeaWorld announced that it is no longer going to breed its killer whales. The orcas currently living at SeaWorld will be the last. This is a great step forward for the company, whose mistreatment of the animals was exposed by the Blackfish documentary. But now SeaWorld has to find another big-ticket item. Read a leaked SeaWorld email about their solution below.
From: Joel Manby, SeaWorld CEO
To: All Employees
Subject: New Policy – So Many Penguins
Dear SeaWorld Employees,
As I’m sure you’ve all heard, we’re no longer breeding our orcas or doing orca shows.
DO NOT PANIC. You will not lose your jobs. It will be hard to get butts in the seats without orcas, but myself and all the other executives at SeaWorld locked ourselves in a room yesterday until we came up with an equally exciting attraction to bring people in. And I think we have a pretty great idea. Penguins. A lot of penguins.
The penguin habitat is our second most popular attraction behind the orcas. People love the orcas because they’re big and black and white. So all we have to do is figure out a way to make penguins as big as orcas. We asked our biologists if we could clone a giant penguin, they said no. But we CAN breed an absolutely staggering amount of penguins.
Imagine it: penguins, as far as the eye can see. So many penguins that our guests are up to their elbows in the birds. Now THAT’S gonna get butts in the seats.
Here are some quick statistics. 80% of our guests list penguins as their second favorite attraction. 54% of those guests agreed that “ice rodent” was a “potential” way to describe penguins, and 97% said that they believed penguins were not as smart as orcas. That’s great news for us: people love penguins but don’t care about their health or safety. This is a win-win-win.
Everyone is to drop what they’re working on immediately. Your job is now about penguins. Here’s what we need to know:
-How many penguins equal a killer whale? (both mass-wise and interest-wise?)
-How easy is it to make penguins have sex?
-Can we let the penguins run around free, or do we have to build a new habitat?
-Is penguin food expensive? Either way, is there something even cheaper we can feed them?
-Penguin poop: how much?
-How to advertise penguins? “SeaWorld’s got penguins, penguins, penguins!”? Just a thought, I’m not the expert.
-Can we make the gift shop’s plush penguins cuter? They’re a little beaky right now.
-What to name the penguins? All our orcas were Shamu, are all our penguins the same name? If not, will it take too long to name all of them separately? Is “Bert” a good penguin name?
-How likely are penguins to form a hive-mind and stage an uprising?
So get to work! And marine biologists? I don’t want to hear how orca sex is more scientifically interesting- our jobs are on the line here.
Please remember, this has to be an absolutely silly amount of penguins to work. People won’t be impressed by a lot of penguins, or even a whole lot of penguins. It’s got to be surprising. As a general reference, more penguins than this:
I’m sure we can do it. And for many years to come, little boys and girls will beg their parents, “Mommy, Daddy, take me to SeaWorld! I wanna see Bert and his thousands of friends!”
Joel Manby, CEO of SeaWorld