Having been dead for the last seventy or so years, doomed to walk the earth a shadow of my former being, I have decided to pursue a career as a writer. It’s so easy. You just write what you know. My first novel was pretty good but my publisher said that maybe not everyone would be familiar with the experiences of “not eating or going to the bathroom for seventy years” or “being an imprint of a departed soul, currently haunting the house where you were once crushed by a falling roof beam, beckoning others to join you.” Currently editing it to reflect a more universal human experience. I have lots of time on my hands, if not hands literally. I am also working on a second novel. I’ll include more references to eating food in that one. Though in the meantime, I have decided to pursue a career in the rap scene.
I AM A GHOST
BUT YOU CAN BET I AIN’T FRIENDLY
RIDING ‘ROUND THE HOOD WITH THE GHOULS IN MY BENTLEY
SCOOBY-DOO? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
IN THE GROUND
I KILLED SHAGGY TOO
DID HIM A FAVOR ‘CUZ SOME GHOUL WAS ABOUT TO
CHEATED ON HER GOT CAUGHT RED-HANDED
THOUGH THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT SHAGGY
SOMETIMES I GET CONFUSED
PLUS I HAVE SEVENTY-PLUS YEARS OF POP CULTURE TO CATCH UP ON
I’M CHALLENING DRAKE’S NOTION YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
MUDDAFUCKA, I FUCK THE GHOULS AT A SEANCE
SOME OF THEM CALL ME A POLTERGEIST
WHAT’S THUG LIFE WITHOUT A BIT OF A FIGHT?
TAKEN A COUPLE OF SHOTS, POSSIBLY THE MOST
SO MUDDAFUCKAS CALL ME THE HOLEY GHOST
WHERE THE FATHER AND DA SON AT?
WATCHING WHILE I GET THAT
ALWAYS AROUND BECAUSE A HEX DOOMED ME TO WALK THE EARTH
FUCK ME ALL YOU WANT MY GHOST SPERMS DON’T WORK!
ALSO VERY LOW MAINTENANCE, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO BUY ME FOOD
BUT IF YOU WANT TO GO TO A RESTAURANT TO EAT, LIKE HUMANS DO
WE GO TO THE NICEST ONE
WAITER WILL ASK, “ARE YOU DINING ALONE”?
YOU WOULD SAY, NO, I GOT A GHOST GANGSTA WITH ME
SO WE’RE EATING FOR FREE
YOU CAN’T SEE HIM BUT IF YOU TRY TO GIVE US A BILL
YOU CAN BET YOU GET KILLED
WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO OBLIGE YOU CAN NOW ORDER SOME APPETIZERS AND SIDES
WE CAN PROBABLY ONLY TRY THIS ONCE PER RESTAURANT THOUGH
BUT THAT’S OKAY
I’M NOT “GHOST DAD”, NOT LIKE BILL COSBY
ALTHOUGH I LIKE THAT MOVIE
I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME
IN BETWEEN BOUTS OF HEAVY CRIME
YOU CAN’T ARREST A GHOST I WOULD ESCAPE FROM JAIL
ALTHOUGH THE SPIRIT WORLD HAS ITS OWN SEPERATE PENAL SYSTEM
BUT I’D GET OUT ON BAIL
DON’T TALK TO THE HAND, GHOUL, TALK THE OUJA
MUDDAFUCKA, I’M MARIO, YOU JUST LUIGI
THOUGH I GUESS IF I WAS ANYONE FROM THAT UNIVERSE
LOGICALLY, I WOULD BE BOO
THE SAME THING I KEEP YELLING AT YOU.
*Please note that “ghoul” means “bitch” in ghost vernacular.