Ghost Writer

Having been dead for the last seventy or so years, doomed to walk the earth a shadow of my former being, I have decided to pursue a career as a writer. It’s so easy. You just write what you know. My first novel was pretty good but my publisher said that maybe not everyone would be familiar with the experiences of “not eating or going to the bathroom for seventy years” or “being an imprint of a departed soul, currently haunting the house where you were once crushed by a falling roof beam, beckoning others to join you.” Currently editing it to reflect a more universal human experience. I have lots of time on my hands, if not hands literally. I am also working on a second novel. I’ll include more references to eating food in that one. Though in the meantime, I have decided to pursue a career in the rap scene.

I AM A GHOST

BUT YOU CAN BET I AIN’T FRIENDLY

RIDING ‘ROUND THE HOOD WITH THE GHOULS IN MY BENTLEY

SCOOBY-DOO? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

IN THE GROUND

I KILLED SHAGGY TOO

DID HIM A FAVOR ‘CUZ SOME GHOUL WAS ABOUT TO

CHEATED ON HER GOT CAUGHT RED-HANDED

THOUGH THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT SHAGGY

SOMETIMES I GET CONFUSED

PLUS I HAVE SEVENTY-PLUS YEARS OF POP CULTURE TO CATCH UP ON

I’M CHALLENING DRAKE’S NOTION YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

MUDDAFUCKA, I FUCK THE GHOULS AT A SEANCE

SOME OF THEM CALL ME A POLTERGEIST

WHAT’S THUG LIFE WITHOUT A BIT OF A FIGHT?

TAKEN A COUPLE OF SHOTS, POSSIBLY THE MOST

SO MUDDAFUCKAS CALL ME THE HOLEY GHOST

WHERE THE FATHER AND DA SON AT?

WATCHING WHILE I GET THAT

ALWAYS AROUND BECAUSE A HEX DOOMED ME TO WALK THE EARTH

FUCK ME ALL YOU WANT MY GHOST SPERMS DON’T WORK!

ALSO VERY LOW MAINTENANCE, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO BUY ME FOOD

BUT IF YOU WANT TO GO TO A RESTAURANT TO EAT, LIKE HUMANS DO

 WE GO TO THE NICEST ONE

WAITER WILL ASK, “ARE YOU DINING ALONE”?

YOU WOULD SAY, NO, I GOT A GHOST GANGSTA WITH ME

SO WE’RE EATING FOR FREE

YOU CAN’T SEE HIM BUT IF YOU TRY TO GIVE US A BILL

YOU CAN BET YOU GET KILLED

WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO OBLIGE YOU CAN NOW ORDER SOME APPETIZERS AND SIDES

WE CAN PROBABLY ONLY TRY THIS ONCE PER RESTAURANT THOUGH

BUT THAT’S OKAY

I’M NOT “GHOST DAD”, NOT LIKE BILL COSBY

ALTHOUGH I LIKE THAT MOVIE

I WATCH IT ALL THE TIME

IN BETWEEN BOUTS OF HEAVY CRIME

YOU CAN’T ARREST A GHOST I WOULD ESCAPE FROM JAIL

ALTHOUGH THE SPIRIT WORLD HAS ITS OWN SEPERATE PENAL SYSTEM

 BUT I’D GET OUT ON BAIL

DON’T TALK TO THE HAND, GHOUL, TALK THE OUJA

MUDDAFUCKA, I’M MARIO, YOU JUST LUIGI

THOUGH I GUESS IF I WAS ANYONE FROM THAT UNIVERSE

LOGICALLY, I WOULD BE BOO

THE SAME THING I KEEP YELLING AT YOU.

GHOUL!

*Please note that “ghoul” means “bitch” in ghost vernacular.