(This is a recap. Spoilers below.)

The fourth episode of American Horror Story: Cult, introduced us to something called gratuitous “flaaaash” “baaaacks” and, with those, some disturbing discoveries.

Here are 10 Terrifying Revelations from “11/9

1. Winter Is A Bigger Fucking Hipster Millennial Than Suspected

Photo Sep 26, 8 17 02 PM.jpeg

That angle seems impossible. But these recaps are built on impossible angles

With her going to Vassar, the clothes, the blasé attitude, the lack of common sense, we all know Winter is the embodiment of every hipster stereotype to exist. Her “millennialism” is distilled by Ryan Murphy into an 80-proof liquor and chugged by everyone over 40. She is the reason we can’t have nice things, like avocado toast and mortgages. But taking a selfie from inside the voting booth on Election Day is going too far. Take your patriotic duty seriously, WINTER. Hashtag America Unhashtag.

2. Kai Is A Secret Dreamboat

Photo Sep 26, 8 28 58 PM.jpeg

Oh hai, Kai

Evan Peters, who plays Kai Anderson, is a known dreamboat. But it appears that Kai, despite being a sentient fedora, is not without his charms. Vomit-inducing charms.
For instance, he always knows exactly the right thing to say. Real insightful crap. To paraphrase, “Believe in yourself,” and “You’re great,” and “Even though I’m not into you, I’d probably fuck you.” What was that perfect line he delivered as he jerked himself to completion in the gym’s steam-room? It was something like “Don’t worry, I’ll clean this one up myself.”

Speaking of cum in the steam-room:

3. Every Single Fitness Training Job Is The Same

Photo Sep 26, 8 26 58 PM.jpeg

The Simpsons, uhh, Broad City already did this one

Apparently Billy Eichner has a lot more in common with Abbi Jacobson than just a successful two-person comedy show about struggling best friends in New York City. Since his character is a miserable trainer at a douchy gym, he also has to carry out janitorial tasks, specifically cleaning cum out of the steam-room. But not Kai’s cum because, as we established, he is a courteous masturbator.

4. Harrison Has Made Meadow Orgasm - TWICE

Photo Sep 26, 8 31 30 PM.jpeg

More like, moananoma? Melanomoan? Help?

When Harrison comes home, exhausted after a day of verbal abuse and cum-cleanin’, his wife-of-convenience, Meadow (Leslie Grossman), breaks the news that they’re being evicted. Oh noes. Following a brief blame-game where it’s revealed Harrison makes very little money and Meadow had to quit her job because of sexual harassment/skin cancer, Meadow tries to connect emotionally with a little straight-on-gay sex. But, whether it’s because Harrison is very not into Meadow or because he’s about to lose his home,he stops short of awkward second base. Besides, according to Harrison, Meadow rarely enjoys it.

5. Meadow Doesn’t Scare Easily

Photo Sep 26, 8 40 41 PM.jpeg

They can’t even afford the 99 cent store

On her way to the motel room she now calls home, Meadow stops to ask some vagrants for weed because she’s “out of zannies.” She, of course, offers them tepid sex for said weed. The vagrants, like every man in Meadow’s life, refuse the proposition and just give her the joint so she’ll go away. Which is convenient, because seconds later Meadow nonchalantly happens upon her hubby Harrison decapitating his boss’s corpse as Kai casually watches. That’s the PERFECT time to get high.

6. Beverly Hope Had A Breakdown

Photo Sep 26, 8 48 14 PM.jpeg

♫ Na-na na-na na-na na-na ANCHOR!!! ♫

In episode 3, we were briefly introduced to Beverly Hope (Adina Porter), intrepid reporter who’s always in Ally’s (Sarah Paulson) face. In episode 4, we learn she’s more than just a cameo for the True Blood fans. Beverly is integral to Kai’s master plan and he gains access to her life after learning she spent time in rehab. Long-story-short, some idiots decide to prank her during news segments, she loses her cool, beats up a rando on-camera and becomes an auto-tuned meme. The video was meant to be humorous but was not nearly as funny as the following revelation:

7. Nipples Are Sensitive

Photo Sep 26, 8 49 09 PM.jpeg

I feel a lump; it’s Emma Roberts

Best line of the episode goes to Beverly’s sleazy boss, Bob, with “Young men don’t appreciate how sensitive women’s nipples are” as he tweaks those of Beverly’s rival, Serena Belinda (Emma Roberts). By the way, “Serena Belinda” is a character named so lazily it’s practically a spoiler (yes, she dies almost immediately.) Here’s a shocker for you:

8. Mansplaining Works?

Photo Sep 26, 8 51 49 PM.jpeg

Why am I even here?

Kai breaks down for Beverly how and why black women are oppressed in society with the proficiency of an African Studies professor. He also gives her the gift of dead Serena Belinda, so who knows what actually convinced her to join (the latter). And who can say no to a karate-brown-belt and Iraq War veteran? Kai’s such a well-rounded young racist murderer. You have to hand it to him. He seduced Beverly with a tempting offer, that of power, and he didn’t even need to jerk off in front of her.

9. Ivy’s In On It!!!!

Photo Sep 26, 9 17 45 PM.jpeg

“Tomorrow, a woman shall be crowned President; today, we feast”

Now we know why Winter can’t get fired.

After last week’s episode, where almost everyone in town was out to get Ally, Ivy (Allison Pill) was the only holdout. Well, it’s official, Ivy is definitely affiliated with the cult. She and Winter bond at a rally, and over lunch, and over a quick kidnapping. That’s right! After Gary (Chaz Bono) grabs Ivy by the pussy, they rough him up.

It’s also pretty obvious that Ivy wants to divorce Ally and Winter, whether asked to or not, is helping her (see bathtub fingering). But poor Gary, handcuffed in a basement, is going to miss his chance to vote. Or is he? He’s not. Because:

10. Gary Hates Black People And Women More Than He Loves His Own Arm

Photo Sep 26, 9 22 53 PM.jpeg

“Thanks for letting me watch”

Sure, Kai is charismatic…but he’s able to convince Gary way too easily to saw through his own forearm. How? By mentioning Obama’s presidency, Samantha Bee and Rachel Maddow. (Let’s try this in real life!)

Admit it, watching Kai watching Gary cut off his own arm was weirdly satisfying.

Advertisement