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October 03, 2016

Nick does some brain surgery with his thumbs and Travis gets quality time with The Mexibros. 13 of the most ridiculous things from part 1 of last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' season finale S02E14 "Wrath"

1) When Did Ofelia Become Such A Badass?

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When did Ofelia become such a badass? She’s definitely New Carol, but Carol’s transition took five seasons and was well paced and executed. This took five seconds and felt like my brain got rear-ended by a pickup truck full of stale pudding. Don’t overthink it, check out that wall!

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Let’s make this show great again but for the first time because this show was definitely never great. I think I made that joke before, but honestly I’m too lazy to check. I’m writing this as quickly as I can from an African airport on a brief layover before a 12-hour flight with no wifi. It’s going to be one of the shitty recaps and I apologize in advance. ON WITH THE ZOMBIE SHOW!

2) Nick Is Bad At Being Sneaky

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Nick! You are very bad at sneaking around. Those stairs are so squeaky! Squeaky isn’t sneaky. And that lock? It’s the clunkiest most clanky clank lock of all time. That’s going to cost Nick some sneak points. LOADING UP A BAG FULL OF PILLS?! Those things are tiny maracas, Nicholas! Don’t know how you expect to sneak around with Ricky Ricardo’s rhythm section swinging over your shoulder.

3) Madison’s Promise

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So let me get this straight, Madison. You’re going to promise to never shut up about these two dudes you’ve never met and know nothing about? Great promise! Top shelf stuff. Killing the promise game! Maybe you should make your agent promise to get you some new auditions. This show is camel ass.

4) Alicia Apologizing For Chris Almost Killing Her

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Alicia, you don’t need to apologize for Chris almost killing you. That’s not how apologies work. IT. IS. TWENTY. SIXTEEN. Call me old fashioned, but like my mom always said, “The guy who attempted to stab your brain is supposed to do the apologizing.” Thanksgiving dinner at our house was a dangerous place to be.

5) Nick Flexing His Spanish Skills

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It’s so cute the way Nick decides to drop a little Spanish. You’re not fooling anyone, dude! Mostly due to the fact that you brought a translator with you because you don’t speak Spanish. You sound like a guy trying to order in Spanish at Taco Bell. You’re just embarrassing yourself and making everyone uncomfortable.

6) The Mexibros Continue To Be The Worst

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The Mexibros have a great opportunity to fit in with this new community and it’s cool to see they’re fully squandering it by being huge jerks. It wouldn’t be them if they didn’t!

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“Can you fix my arm? It’s the one I use for masturbating if the other one falls asleep. Don’t know what I’d do without it.”

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“And then he crashed the car. That’s when we realized Chris is New Lori.”

YES. Chris is definitely New Lori and that explains why everyone hates him and he can’t keep a car’s wheels on the road. AMC: Where women and children are always first … on the list of most universally despised characters

7) Strand Looks Healthier Than Most People I Know

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Didn’t Strand VERY RECENTLY get stabbed? Dude is looking healthy as shit. Guy looks like he’s about to go jog on the beach and bench press a Buick. I haven’t jogged in six years and have incurred very little stabbing in that time.

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Strand’s on his Daniel Plainview shit! That’s fun. There Will Be Blood is one of the best movies of all time and if this show wants to do more There Will Be Blood stuff, that’s cool with me. But maybe we should just watch that movie on Sunday nights instead of this show? Or watch anything else for that matter. Let’s watch grainy night vision footage of hamster orgies, I guarantee it will be less hazardous to our collective mental health and I’d have a lot more interesting stuff to cover in the recaps.

8) Nick Stabbing This Zombie Through The Eyes With His Thumbs Was Cool But Also Super Disgusting

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This was a really cool kill, but also completely disgusting and probably unnecessary. And it kind of speaks to where this show is currently at. You know that kid in grade school who would do really gross things to get attention and maybe make some friends along the way? Welcome to Fear The Walking Dead! The TV version of the awkward guy who would shit his pants in the middle of chemistry class in a desperate attempt to make friends.

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“Estoy bien.” Gonna have to disagree with you, señor! My Spanish isn’t great, but I’m pretty sure that phrase DOES NOT translate to, “I’m totally fucked and will become a zombie soon.” I believe that’s what you meant to say because anything else doesn’t seem to do the situation justice.

9) Ofelia Celebrating The Fact That She Made It To America

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Welcome to America, Ofelia! YOU DID IT! Soak in the freedom. Now you just have to walk through more of the same exact desert you were just in for many miles with less than a gallon of water. Truly a land of infinite prosperity and opportunity.

10) There Are Plenty Of Hotel Rooms

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Those people in the garage are right to be pissed off. This is a huge hotel and there are seven people staying there. How long were you planning on keeping them locked up next to old Toyotas? FOREVER?!? YOU CANNOT KEEP PEOPLE LOCKED UP NEXT TO AN OLD TOYOTA FOREVER! Or maybe you can? I never got a people degree from Toyota University. I told you this would be one of the shitty ones.

11) Did Nick Really Pack Books In His Bag?

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Did Nick REALLY pack books in his bag? Yes. Yes he did. Great decision, definitely carry around some heavy reading material written in a language you don’t understand. I’m sure that will come in handy during all the downtime you’ll have on the road.

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“I’m staying. Because I am the worst.”

Wait. She’s not leaving? Even after finding out the immunity thing (that very obviously was a lie) turned out to be a lie? Cool! Everyone is making great choices. A++ work all around. You guys deserve each other. This show makes me angrier than watching someone load a dishwasher the wrong way.

12) She Brought A Knife To A Gun Fight

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She literally brought a knife to a gunfight. If only there was some kind of saying to let her know such a plan was foolish. You’re in America, Ofeelz! Guns are kind of our thing over here. Get with the program!

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YOOOOOOOO. It’s the guy fromSons Of Anarchy! Sons Of Anarchy was a FUN show (except the whack season where they went to Ireland) and if this show wants to hire more Sons Of Anarchy people, that’s cool with me! Please add Sons Of Anarchy reruns to the growing list of things we could be watching instead of this on a Sunday.

13) Hero Dad’s Enhanced Interrogation

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Hold the zombie phone. You mean the inconsistent story with a bunch of plot holes and the super weird detail that Travis would’ve specifically enjoyed the way they buried Chris by a beautiful tree turned out to be less than true? I’m shocked. Thank goodness I was sitting down for this revelation. KICK THEIR ASSES, TRAVIS! BEAT THE TRUTH OUT OF THEM.

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SLOW DOWN, TRAVIS! These guys can’t tell you what you want to know if you’ve beaten them to death. Hear them out!

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“Look at the cacti, Chris.”

Shit. Well, there was almost no way to see it coming that Chris would get killed because he was injured except for the fact that the same exact thing happened three seconds ago with these guys and Chris was there to see it. Alright, Hero Dad. Avenge the completely preventable death of your totally worthless spawn.

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YOU GUYS! More There Will Be Blood stuff! What a movie. Hey, let me guess what you’re thinking right about now: “Why doesn’t this recap also include the second episode that aired last night? It was a two part finale? Seems like you should’ve just written one recap?” The truth is I wanted to, but circumstances beyond my control of time and space and the fact that the flight I’m about to board doesn’t have wifi prevented me from giving you the double recap you guys deserve. SORRY! I’m sorry. I really am. But JOIN US TOMORROW when I’ll go over all the stuff that you already know happened! I’ll be coming off a 37 hour travel day, don’t expect miracles in the wrong places! It might be the shittiest recap of all time. You won’t want to miss it! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on s02e15 of Fear The Walking Dead!