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March 08, 2017

A complicated love story

Love can be a blurry, overcomplicated thing, yet we all look for it at some point in our lives.

But it’s the love that comes out of nowhere that can take us for a ride when we least expect it.

My dad is an immigrant, who came to the US illegally when he was eleven years old. He fell in love with my mom, and they had me. I’ve since grown up and fallen in love a few times myself, but never found anything as concrete as other parts of my life…

The 2016 election brought to the forefront of my mind something I’d forgotten about—something I’d internalized and kept hidden from myself and the world since I first noticed it was there.

I have a fetish for conservative women, and the more gung-ho the better.

I’m not particularly ashamed of my kink, but it can be confusing at times—love will do that you.

Love will make you forget who you are, what you value, and who you want to be with.

I’m a progressive Mexican-American, and I’m proud of that, but there are a few Republican darlings that I just can’t get enough of…

Kellyanne Conway - The Cunning Linguist

What can I say, I’m a sucker for good looks, and when those won’t suffice, I’ll take a charming Irish attorney with a silver tongue that slips through a sneaky smile to melt the hearts of young boys everywhere.

Her penchant for alternative facts, and her confident sense of self do wonders for my desire to have a conservative white woman lie directly to my face while smiling the entire time.

Yes, the Devil wears Prada, but his spokesperson wears a $3,600 wool flag/coat thingy.

She’s an alternative gal, with alternative facts, and I’ve got an alternative kind of love for her…

Many might not know this, but she joined a pro-amnesty group in 2014 to lobby the house to take up the Gang of Eight bill, which gives undocumented workers already living in the US a path to citizenship.

So I’m just going to take that as she loves the shit out of Mexicans, which means I may have a chance.

When asked to clarify what she meant when she said “Vladimir Putin has been a stronger leader than Barack Obama” she coughed, pivoted, and moved on to the next question.

She knows how to answer the tough questions, from the softball amateurs.

Which just might work out because I’m a huge softy.

She’s cutthroat, and she does what she wants. She breaks federal law, by pumping the boss’ daughter’s clothing company when she’s not supposed to.

She’s bad…

We’re both children of divorce, so we understand the hardships of a life with no traditional family unit. She told a joke—in her now infamous stand up video—in which she chronicled a custody battle she’d involved herself in.

Little Becky and Tommy were asked who they wanted to live with, and each of them told the judge that both parents actually beat them. The punchline was, then, to “go live with the Redskins because they don’t beat anybody.”

As a child abuse survivor who also has a bit of Native blood in him, I may have been slightly offended—call me a snowflake.

But I’m her snowflake…

She co-wrote a book entitled What Women Really Want, and she’s been known as a pollster who specializes in targeting women. Among her clients before the White House: Mike Pence, Newt Gingrich, and Todd Adkin—all of whom probably have no idea what women want, you know, considering Adkin is quoted as saying “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

She also told them (the Republican party) to counter the Democrats’ War On Women by telling them that they need to stop discussing rape.

Maybe she does know what women want, but unfortunately I’ll never know why the hell I’m drawn to that budding ‘lil Rudolph nose of hers, that seems to light up whenever she’s experiencing extreme emotions (like being full of shit), having some sort of Pinocchio effect.

But let’s be real: Kellyanne was a shill for the Mercer family Keep The Promise Super PAC, which backed Ted Cruz and switched over to Trump when Cruz landed flat on his belly in the primary.

She took her awkwardly sweet smile all the way to the White House with her because she’s bad af.

She’s not perfect, and however you feel about her politics and media stratagem, you have to admit she’s one tough cookie. I like to think that every time she raises her voice over a media pundit, a fact-checking angel somewhere in another dimension gets wings and access to the White House press briefing.

Laura Ingraham’s High-Class Salutations

I like my women like I like my coffee, light, blonde, creamy, and ready to f****ing sieg heil whenever and wherever.

But let’s be real: the FAKE NEWS media apparatus clearly took her awkward, stiff raising of the arm greeting at the RNC completely out of context.

If you look closely enough at the YouTube clip, she raised her hand only after a man in the front row said, “raise yo hand if you would date a 5'6” minority writer from a low-income household in Los Angeles.“

Which she then responded to by pointing out the eight Latinos in attendance.

A boy can dream…

If there’s one thing we know about Laura Ingraham it’s that she doesn’t take any crap from anybody. Her hot mic fiasco (she dropped an F-bomb live on air) led us down a behind the scenes show of a demanding boss-ass-bitch.

After the BTS footage was widely dispersed throughout the halls of the internet, people called her trite, rude, and overbearing—but she’s just a journalist who demands the best.

She was also once engaged to James Reyes, a businessman who doesn’t return much info in ye olde Google search.

But the name Reyes has Latin (thus Spanish) ancestry, so I’m just gonna go ahead and jump to the conclusion that she loves the shit out of Mexicans and wants to date one.

Hi, yes, hello, me!

Sarah Palin - The Matriarch We Never Needed Bc We Don’t

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke (in his pants) is a good girl with a gun who has no qualms about shooting you on the spot and giggling about it after you’re dead.

In a speech given at the National Tea Party convention in 2010, she threw a zinger (the urban dictionary defines a zinger as a “thick penis with a big purple head” btw) in the direction of then President Obama’s supporters saying, “how’s all that hope-y change-y stuff workin’ out for ya?”

Girl, I don’t remember because I got lost in your beautiful, soft, nationalistic eyes.

There’s nothing that this God-fearin’, right-wingin’, wolf-killin’, gun-clingin’ mother of the Anchorage Brawl Massacre terrorist, Bristol Palin, hates more than dissidents.And you wanna know what the Google translation of “maverick” into Spanish is?

It’s “dissident.”

And if she can see Russia from somewhere in Alaska, then she can see the dissident thirst in my eyes yearning for that conservative goddess of all-American values.

David Letterman once made several jokes (imagine that) about her daughter Bristol, which involved Alex Rodriguez and/or Eliot Spitzer either knocking her up or making a pass at her. Jokes which the Palin family were outraged by.

Yes, the Palin’s have undoubtedly come under a lot of fire because of their plain-Jane language, and hometown good looks, and Bristol is quite the looker.

But she’s not the reverent matriarch who’s become the forbidden fruit of my lusty Hispanic desire…

Sarah once said that God has dumped oil, and gas, and minerals on her side of the earth, making energy her “baby” (I’m serious she actually said that).

And amidst all the mineral dumping she’s been blessed to receive, she’s also received a huge influx of Latino immigrants into her native Alaska (7% Hispanic/Latino population according to the most recent census, up from 5.5% and climbing every year).

How’s that for God dumping on you—

Can I get a hallelujah?

Ann Coulter - The F****ing Ice Queen

Oh Ann, the crème de la crème.

Her flamboyant hyperbolic tone really does it for me…

She says my kind are turning this country into a third world hell hole, which is a coincidence because that’s what I intend to name her vagina.

But let’s be real: the only hole that anyone need take heed of is Ann’s mouth.

What is it about Ann Coulter that makes the left so mad, and why do those very things turn me on?

Her Twitter feed as of late is filled with RTs about dreamers committing crimes.

Well, I’m a dreamer, and I’m not an immigrant, I just dream of having sex with Ann Coulter.

Maybe it’s masochism; maybe I want to do her harm. Maybe, my early attachment issues due to emotionally abusive parents drives me to look for comfort in those who talk dirty to me.

But let’s cut Ann some slack—she’s dated an Indian man, and even a Muslim! Before you jump to conclusions about why someone holds the particular political stances that they do, look a little closer.

With all of the hubbub around immigration, especially her views on it, it might be good PR for Ann to reach deep inside of herself, squash her pride, and date a young Mexican man.

It’s a theory of mine that Ann becomes sexually aroused by those topics she so violently fights for—deportation of illegal immigrants, killing all Muslims, abstinence as birth control—because when the migrant riots in Sweden flash across your screen, you can feel her laughing her persnickety, devilish little laugh.

But I know there’s a good person deep down inside of her that loves people, and wants to give (legal) immigrants a chance.

And that’s all I’m asking for, is a chance.

I just want her to see me as equal, and I want her to know how much it turns me on when she triggers the hosts of The View…

I just want her to look at me the way she looks at black people…