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June 01, 2016
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This article probably shouldn't have even been written. They're always watching.

Every relationship begins with a thousand questions. Does your significant other have a history of cheating? Are they in the Illuminati? Since that last one is important let’s just stop there and see how to prove or disprove your loved one’s level of Illuminati-ness.

-Many celebrities are believed to be a part of the Illuminati, so watch out if they suddenly declare dreams of fame and fortune.

-Be open and honest yourself. When they see how committed you are to being their significant other, they’ll be more comfortable with telling you about any secret societies they may be a part of.

-When they buy you jewelry, make sure you check which shape it’s in, as you don’t want to end up wearing a triangle on your neck. It may represent giving meaning to the life of man, but for you it just works as a big ol’ target.

-Illuminati can only sacrifice loved ones, so if your loved one is getting real close real fast then they’re probably Illuminati.

-Don’t ever use any fire-based item whatsoever. Flames appear in Illuminati imagery such as The Statue of Liberty, Promitheus, and Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood”.

-Make sure they never shake hands with anyone. There are over nine masonic handshakes that the Illuminati uses, so assume any non-standard is pure Illuminati. This includes high-fives.

-Watch out for them putting their hands in their pockets. It represents the Hidden Hand of the Men of Jahbulon. Believe me, they aren’t just looking for their keys.

-If they’re into orgies, and you’re into orgies, that’s great! Just make sure it’s not a blood orgy.

-If they keep listening to Beyonce’s “Sweet Dreams”, they’re probably in the Illuminati. Being in a relationship with them isn’t a sweet dream, it’s a beautiful nightmare.

-If they try to book a vacation, make sure it’s not to Egypt’s Great Pyramids. Again.

-Don’t watch The Da Vinci Code with them. They’ll just go on impassioned rants about how “that’s not what it’s like.”

-Try to avoid talking politics with them. Not because of their party affiliation, but because they’ll just rant about some “All-Seeing Eye on the dollar bill” bullshit.

-In fact, don’t even talk to them at all. Better to just live in denial, because as soon as you mention the Illuminati, they manage to find you.

Honestly, most people are probably in the Illuminati. The best thing to do would be to move into a cave. Granted, that’s where the secret aliens live……fuck it, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

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