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November 11, 2015

When Chris Christie signed an anti-bestiality law in New Jersey this week, he opened up a whole can of worms. A terrible, disgusting can of worms.

This week, Chris Christie signed a law making bestiality illegal in New Jersey. The law was created after— WAIT, HOLD UP. Until this week, bestiality WAS illegal in New Jersey??!?!? Um, what??? I grew up in New Jersey and this really puts a newly terrible spin on everything I thought I knew.

Now the entire history of my childhood and home state has been rewritten in my head in half a second. See below for details. Gross, unfortunate details. Way to go New Jersey; you’re practically Florida.

I was born in Morristown, New Jersey, a town where having sex with animals was totally OK. If you’re not familiar, Morristown is a bastion of American history. George Washington and Alexander Hamilton spent the hardest winter of the Revolution there, before it became a full-fledged state that allowed bestiality.


New Jersey was the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights, and the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights that also allowed pig-fucking.

My mother and father were hard-working, excellent parents. My father spent his whole life in New Jersey. He built a home on several acres of land, covered with trees he planted himself. He raised three children there. And he could have fucked a dog if that’s what he wanted to do. Thank goodness he didn’t, and neither did my mother. She could have spent her 30s and 40s working on her career, or legally masturbating a bird, but she chose to raise me instead. And I’m so thankful for that.

I loved school growing up, and as I said, New Jersey is a very historical place. We went on a lot of amazing field trips. Visiting Menlo Park was a classic. That’s not only a town in the 11th-to-last state to make fisting a horse illegal, but it’s also where Thomas Edison invented electricity and the phonograph!


Thomas Edison didn’t invent horse condoms, but he could have.

I always enjoyed going on field trips to the Liberty Science Center, one of New Jersey’s coolest museums.


They COULD have done an exhibit about human/animal sexualities. Kudos to the LSC for keeping it clean.

New Jersey is also famous for its beaches, and that’s where I spent most of my summers growing up. New Jersey is particularly famous for Atlantic City. It had a seedy underbelly, especially during prohibition years when drinking alcohol was illegal. You couldn’t get a drink, but you could, you guessed it, give a sheep a blow job under the boardwalk (though I guess, to be fair, I’ve always assumed you can get away with pretty much anything under the boardwalk).


If Boardwalk Empire were completely historically accurate, you couldn’t even show it on HBO.

As I grew up, I realized that New Jersey didn’t have the sterling reputation I assumed it would have. I guess people saw us mostly as the cast from The Jersey Shore. Little did I know, it could have been a lot worse.


The cast of The Jersey Shore.


The cast of a very different reality TV show about New Jersey.

I’ll leave you with this video of one of New Jersey’s treasures: the Cake Boss, in a scene that takes on a horrifying new meaning after this law revelation: