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May 31, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The International Criminal Court sentenced former Liberian President Charles Taylor to 50 years in prison for aiding rebels in return for blood diamonds. Not to mention giving Leonardo Di Caprio a reason to put off doing "Inception."

Russia and China are opposing a United Nations–sponsored intervention in Syria despite Kofi Annan warning the country is at a “tipping point.” Until then, Syria will continue to be an alcoholic.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange will be extradited to Sweden to face sexual assault charges, according to a British court's ruling. However, experts predict Assange will be rescued by Morpheus and Trinity.

On "Today," Kathy Lee Gifford asked Martin Short about his marriage, not knowing his wife had died two years ago. To be fair, so did Kathie Lee Gifford.

Said Gifford, "He and Nancy have one of the greatest marriages of anybody in showbusiness. How many years now for you guys?" Adding, "Aww, isn't that sweet? He's crying because he loves her so much and I have a job interviewing people."

Mark Zuckerberg fell off a list of the top 40 billionaires in the world. "But at least I have all my friends," he said, looking at his Facebook wall. Or: But it's not like he's Twitter poor just yet.

Love letters written by Mike Tyson are set to be auctioned off. They're also the first love letters to end with the phrase "Or I'll push you down the stairs."

Authorities are investigating how an adult film was shot at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, a memorial to World War I veterans. They're particularly incensed it wasn't appropriately titled "Mustard Ass" or "Trench Whorefare" or even "The Ass-assination of Arch Duke Fertile-gland."

NBC apparently offered Jerry Seinfeld $100 million for one more season of "Seinfeld." Said Seinfeld, "What's the deal with that?" Or: Likewise, Michael Richards was offered close friendship with a token black person.

Planned Parenthood is being accused by an anti-abortion group of encouraging the abortion of girls. Finally, people brave enough to take on the good ole boys club known as Planned Parenthood.

Alicia Silverstone released her own line of earth-conscious skincare products this week. All the moisturizer was first used on her skin then scraped off and bottled.

Released on Tuesday, Mitt Romney's iPhone app misspelled his slogan, writing it as “A Better Amercia.” Romney's campaign manager issued an immediate apolgoy.