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July 03, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The Church of Scientology denied its stalking Katie Holmes after news that she's divorcing Tom Cruise. Said the Church of Scientology, "We've been stalking her way before that."

Facebook unveiled status icons for users in a same-sex marriage. Needless to say, high school students who like joking about being gay were very appreciative of the gesture.

In other Facebook news, the company's iPhone app has been allegedly erasing email addresses of contacts and replacing them with their Facebook addresses. It's also been accused of making fake pictures of college girls drinking from bottles of Jack Daniels.

Scientists have confirmed they have evidence of the existence of the “God particle." Turns out it was inside Southern Baptists all along.

Michael Jordan’s son Marcus was arrested over the weekend. More embarrassing for Marcus was when his father had an old friend show up to jail to bail him out.

CNN's Anderson Cooper revealed that he's gay. Meanwhile, fellow anchor Wolf Blitzer still won't admit he's a wolf.

The makers of OxyContin are trying to get approval for children as young as 6. Experts warn there isn't much of a market though, since Rush Limbaugh doesn't have kids.

Iran announced it will be testing missiles for the next three days. The military is on alert since they're not sure Irandependence Day is a real thing or not.

51 people were hit by lightning at a metal festival in Germany. But that's still 51 more people happier they opted out of seeing Chris Brown.

Pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline agreed to pay $3 billion for illegally marketing antidepressants to children and teenagers, among other charges. Especially telling kids that side effects are what the X-Men had.

One of Charlie Sheen's former assistants has been found dead. In related news, one of Michael Sheen's former assistants has been found still thoroughly riveted by a conversation he had with his former boss.

An abandoned Walmart in Texas was recently turned into a public library. So that's libraries 1, everything else 2,999.