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May 26, 2010

So I’m currently on hiatus -- which means I’ve been spending all of my time being a fat, lazy, asshole. And by fat, lazy, asshole, I mean most of my time has been consumed by:

1) playing Red Dead Redemption on XBox 360

2) watching Marley & Me on Cinemax HD

3) surfing the internet for porn

For the record, it should be noted that I jerk off to porn the same way I have sex -- with all my clothes on.

Now, as for Red Dead Redemption goes, I’ve made it into Mexico but I still haven’t met any Native Americans. Later today, I plan to do some wandering in the forests in hopes of finding a lost Indian tribe.

As for Marley & Me, that movie’s about as predictable as a Happy Meal from McDonald’s.

And I went into it knowing that the dog dies in the end, but goddamn it -- the stupid movie still had me crying like a fucking little baby.

But the good news is, in surfing the internet for porn -- something I haven’t done with the frequency and dedication I used to since meeting my girlfriend -- I think I might have found my new favorite pornsite. Ladies and gentlemen, may I offer you, the Dancing Bear:

The Dancing Bear is an amazing pornsite with an incredibly original hook.

Instead of milfs, cougars, teachers, sex buses, or all of the regular pedestrian porn themes that have become so boring in the world of internet porn, the Dancing Bear is about regular women.

Let me explain…

You see, each Dancing Bear scenario involves male strippers, usually dressed as bears, who show up at a normal female event -- say a bachelorette party, birthday party, office party, or what have you -- and the women are so turned on by a naked man waving a cock in their face, that they have no other choice but to start sucking it.

What I think I appreciate most is the idea that regular women can’t control themselves when they get turned on and start behaving like whores. Some of the porn actresses do an amazing job acting embarrassed or shocked just before they start sucking the stripper’s cock. I tip my hat to those fine actresses.

The whole concept is silly, and obviously that’s not how real women behave…

Or is it??

What if women really do act that way? What if it were possible for the pent up frustrations, confinements, and commitments of everyday life to explode into group sex with a stripper dressed as a bear??

You see, that’s why although the Dancing Bear is my new favorite pornsite, it’s also my new greatest fear… Now every time my girlfriend goes out with her friends, I don’t know if she’s just catching up with the girls or if they’re all at a party where everyone’s eating whipped cream off some stripper’s cock.

Of course, I’m kidding -- I have nothing to worry about. I lucked out with a good solid New England girl. And I have something much better than a Bear costume -- a Batman Costume.

But to the men out there reading this blog, can you trust your wives and girlfriends or are you haunted by the Dancing Bear?